Why Did you have to go?

i ask myself why u had to leave us and why God felt it was ur time to go. I'm sure He had a plan in there somewhere i just don't understand it. I would never wish this pain on anyone, i just wish we didn't have to feel it either. You had ur whole life ahead of u, u'd only just begun to see What life had in store for you. I ask myself why u were on that road that nite but can't find any answers. I wish there was something we could say or do to bring u back but i know There's nothing. Life goes on, i just don't want it to. I don't want to continue doing everyday tasks like everything's ok. Nothing's ok. I have my kids to keep me going and people around that want to help but How do i explain How i feel and make them understand? I feel all alone in this mess and don't know How to pull myself back up again. I get so angry at people for not saying the right thing or not doing something to make it all better. Deep down i know There's nothing they can do or say to take away this pain. I'm so scared of losing everyone else around me i feel like a complete nutcase. I can't seem to hold it together anymore. I don't want to get up in the morning, put on a smile n face the big wide world. I want to hide away until it's all over or wake up and realise it was just a bad dream. That's not gonna happen though, it's real. You're gone.

I wonder What life would have been like if you stayed living with me and i told James to take a hike. I know i wouldn't have my son then but i wouldn't have even known He could've been in my future. You could have been still at school, enjoying life, texting ur girlfriend, etc. You'd still be here with us. What if i had've visited more, we could've spent more time together hanging out, chatting. I could have hugged u once more and told u i loved u again. I know it might not have changed anything but i wouldn't feel like a lousy big sister. I was never around and I'm sorry.

I can't go back and change any of that now which just sucks. I don't want to sit here crying every night wishing someone understood why it hurts me so much. I want to be happy for the time we shared together, the memories i have and the life u lived. I don't ever want to forget you or the impression u made in our lives. I listen to the rain and wish we could just sit and talk like we used to. Atm the rain just hasn't let up. Sometimes Its very light other times it's pelting down. Just like my tears. When i keep distracted my tears are always there but not for everyone to see. Other times i just can't get them to stop. I don't want to tell ppl How much it hurts or for them to see me cry. They can't help.

I miss you Douglas and always will. I love you so much it hurts all the more now ur not here with us anymore. i pray ur in a better place and ur happy. I'll never forget ur smile, the love u had for ur family, and ur cheeky attitude. I'm proud to call u my little brother. Thank you for being in my life, even tho it wasn't for long.

To my little brother Jody (currently serving time in jail)

To my little brother Jody,

I'm not sure How to start a letter to you at such a heartbreaking time for our family. I can't begin to imagine How ur coping with all of this in there. My heart is broken and i don't think it can be fixed. I miss you all so much it hurts. The only silver lining in this cloud is that I'll see you all again next week. I just hate that it'll be for our little brother's funeral. I'm thinking of you everyday and praying you have people to support you where you are.

The kids and i are doing okay considering the circumstances. Kailee is full of attitude and backchatting - she's definitely a Richardson. Xavier is nearly 2 and getting into absolutely everything He possibly can. Today He came out covered in nappy rash cream he'd found up in the cupboard after He climbed on his toys to reach. It was hilarious and so cute. Messy though. Kailee's in year 1 and loves school though she tells me everyday she wants to quit school. It's hard being 6 i guess.

Mum, her husband Rob, Kyle and Sarah are all doing okay. They'll be up next week as well (except Rob) to see everyone and say goodbye to Douglas. Kyle still hasn't got married yet, they're holding off until they can afford it. As for me i have an amazing boyfriend - not sure if i was with him last time i wrote to you or not - his name is Matt, He's 24 and we met through a mutual friend in January this year. The kids and i moved in with him 2mths after we got together. He now works away in Brisbane and only comes home every 2nd weekend. It sucks but Its only until the kids and i move down there later this year, around Christmas. The kids love him and He's fantastic with them. I can Honestly see myself marrying him and settling down with at least 1 more child further down the track. The distance between him and i sucks but somehow it makes us stronger. I love him like crazy.

This past week have been so hard. I have trouble sleeping and i can't stop crying. I don't want to believe it's true and just want to see our little brother again one last time. When i found out he'd died i felt so alone, i died inside too that night. I've been pushing everyone away, even Matt and been so angry at people. I hate being so far away from all my Richardson family. I just want to be with everyone and remember all the good times we had with Douglas. A piece of my heart is missing now He's no longer with us.

A bittersweet moment happened on Wednesday night though, our little sister Xena found me on Facebook! I don't know if u recall dad talking about her but she's about 5mths younger than Jarvis. He mum had never told her about us and now she lives with her grandmother. Once it was on the news about Douglas her grandmother recognised the name and seeing dad. She told Xena that was her brother. Understandably she's upset she never got to meet Douglas. She's coming to the funeral and will meet most of her brothers and sisters and most importantly dad. She's so excited to meet dad. She's 13 and lives in Rocky. She looks just like dad Did when he was a teenager. She's a very pretty girl and seems so loving and down to earth. She tells us all she loves us and can't wait to meet everyone. I'm so glad she can be at the funeral with us.

I've ordered 15 balloons for us all to release at the funeral (well immediate family). I got the aboriginal colours red, black and yellow. We'll grab some flowers as well. I thought it would be a nice touch. I'm not sure I'm going to hold it together next week. I'll be an absolute wreck, as I'm sure we all will be. I should try and get some sleep. I'm going to finish this letter here and say Goodnight. I miss u little brother and love u like crazy. I can't wait to see u soon babe. Love always ur big sister xX

R.I.P my little brother

Douglas Wayne Richardson.
A life faded out too quickly. :-(
Friday night i got the worst phone calls from my step-sister, Heidi. My 15yo brother Douglas had been hit by a car and was in a bad way. I was shaken up and prayed so hard for him to be okay. Worried, i raced to my computer to get people praying and hoping for the best. I don't know why but i checked the Queensland police service page and saw a report on the accident. . . I wasn't prepared for this. All it stated was that a young male had been struck by a car and was pronounced dead at the scene. I didn't want it to be true but when do the police ever report something like that when Its not accurate information? Not ever that i know of! Friends and family were telling me he was revived and it was touch and go. He was on the way to the hospital. But didn't the report say He was pronounced dead? Surely they wouldn't pronounce it and then revive him. I called my poppy (one of the most incredible men i know and love) and tried keeping him updated with What i knew. The whole family was unbelievably worried.

I called the hospital, no Douglas Richardson there. They put me through to the police (not a good sign I'm thinking) and the officer i spoke to said due to the nature He couldn't tell me anything over the phone, police were still at the scene of the accident. Now I'm really worried but starting to brace myself for the inevitable. I tried calling my best friend who was sick and in bed, she wasn't answering. Crap! I just wanted to know What was going on. My dad wasn't even going to go to the hospital, thinking it would only be minor. A couple hrs later, the police went around to my step-sister's house and confirmed the worse. Douglas had died.

My step-sister called crying. I knew it was true but with all my heart didn't want it to be. Part of me had accepted it when i first read the police statement that the young male hit had died but prayed it was just human error when being written. Heidi just kept saying she was so sorry. Poor girl was a mess but for now i was holding it together. I had my mum, sister and step-dad here (another absolutely amazing man), i had to tell them.

I called my poppy and gave him the bad news and called my brother who didn't know anything yet (him and i have the same mum, while Douglas and i have the same dad). Everyone was shocked and upset. This is something that always happens to everyone else, not us, not our family. It just didn't seem real. I can't imagine How my family near Douglas was feeling. The pain was hard enough for me.

Later, details of What actually happened emerged. Douglas was riding a push scooter along a road leading from Mount Morgan towards Rockhampton when He was struck by a car. He then went into the path of an oncoming car and was hit again and became trapped under that vehicle. While emergency services fought to free him no one could tell us How He was. It took hours. We may never know How it happened, who was at fault or why Douglas and his 2 friends were along that stretch of road in the first place. All we know is we lost someone close to us.

I felt numb for so long. Finally i was able to get a hold of my best friend and she said she would come stay with me the following day. That's helped keep me distracted, until everyone is asleep of course. Then my mind goes into over drive. So far I've slept about 3hrs for the past 2 nites. I'm a Damn zombie. I've been awake now since around 2am and it's nearing 5.30am. I hate not being able to sleep, i just lay here and cry. Why Did it have to be him? He was too young, a kid full of passion and love for his family. He was amazing in every way even when his rebellious streak was on display.

We'll miss u forever Douglas. One day we'll see Each other again but until then part of my heart is missing. Rest in peace Hunni and know we will always love and think of you.

How?!

How can you keep trusting someone when confronted with something that appears to be awful, but isn't what it seems - or so you're told? How do you keep putting your heart out there hoping it won't be smashed into a million pieces.

I've been hurt by so many different people for various reasons and it's hard for me to trust anyone. I want to believe the best in people, but sometimes circumstances make it hard to do just that. Today i was confronted with a situation where it looked as though someone i really care about has done wrong by me. They say it's nothing like that, and they didn't realise the situation even existed. I want to believe them and push it aside and get on with life - and i'm trying to do just that. I want to believe everything they say and trust them completely but how do i keep from wondering "what if it's really true?". I just wish this didn't happen.

My head is a mess and i hope this doesn't effect how much i trust that person and that things between us will continue to be okay. Time will only tell...

Things to be grateful for. . .

Today these are the things I'm most grateful for:

* being alive. I'm healthy, happy and abundantly blessed to have lived another amazing day;

* an amazing man who chooses to stand beside me in this crazy life. His whole life changed the day He decide to ask me out knowing He was not only getting a girlfriend but a ready-made family with 2 kids. It takes an incredibly strong man to willingly jump into that;

* my 2 beautiful children. As much as they frustrate me, something as little as a letter from kailee or a cuddle from Xavier makes all the stress worth it. They brighten up the darkest of days and keep me fighting when I'm ready to give up;

* peace and quiet. No dogs barking at nothing in particular, keeping me up all night.

* my family. Being able to spend time with them without ulterior motives. We can just chat and hang out without needing anything from Each other. I know they're there Whenever i need them;

* a warm blanket. To keep me warm while i have the fan blowing a gale as i lay in bed.

* coffee cake. Food just doesnt get much better than that!

Those are just a few things i'm grateful for tonight. Tomorrow i'll no doubt be grateful for lots more. I'll post them as a think of them.

Irritating animals

I absolutely love animals. If i could have a zoo of my own i would, as long as someone else helped me feed n clean them of course. One thing that seriously bugs the crap out of me though is animals that don't listen and ruin things. Now don't get me wrong, Matt loves me and more importantly He loves my kids. I love him and love his kids - well his 2 dogs. But i'd love them even more if they didn't dig holes all over the backyard, chew the kids toys/books, bark all night for practically no reason. My dogs aren't perfect either but most the time they listen. I just wish Matt's dogs would listen but I'm not sure they even know What that means. I'm frustrated and just about at my wits end. They're worse than the children. At least the children sleep or play quietly without driving me crazy all day everyday. Grr!

Drained

I feel so drained. Sometimes i feel like i am forever doing things for others and rarely have anyone there when i need it. Don't get me wrong, some people have much bigger issues going on in their life at the moment than i do but i feel like i can't turn to them because my dramas seem so little and unimportant than What they're dealing with. I feel selfish, lost in the crowd and mostly just drained. I hate sitting at home alone while the kids sleep. I love having someone to talk to but lately Its been so quiet and everyone's been busy or doesn't feel like talking. Like my last post though, I'll probably feel better tomorrow but for tonight i feel 'blah'. This is my vent and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, Its just How i feel for the time being. Things will get better and given some time and serious saving, Matt and i will be back in the same town again and then at least one thing will be looking up. I can't wait til the distance between us doesn't exist anymore. This week has been fairly Boring and uneventful, the cramps in my back still haven't gone and Its going on 4 days now, I'm over it. So while sleep beckons I'm going to cuddle up to my pillow and dream of fun, exciting, more positive things. Night blog people xx

My silly little whinge

Now this is prolly gonna sound stupid and i may just regret writing it tomorrow. Sometimes i sit at home in the quiet after the kids have gone to bed and i just feel, lonely. Matt calls me most nites which makes my day totally but i hate that we only talk for 10mins, sometimes 20. I know He hates talking on the phone and He runs outta things to say but Its the only time i really get to talk to him. He's busy with work all day and Its not unusual for me to not hear from him for 11hrs. I won't lie, i hate it. I don't want him texting or calling while He's driving so That's ok. But when He finishes work There's times i feel like He's too busy with everything else to want to talk to me. He's got his friends He's with to talk to and play games online with and people to visit. It's really silly i know, I'm hearing myself and thinking WTF?! I'm like some crazy, emotional, stalker girlfriend. I'm not sad over it I'm just kind of . . . . I don't know. It's hard to pinpoint How i feel tonight. I hate it. Maybe Its just because I'm not feeling so good and wish He was here to give me a hug. I know He's working away to make more money so we can all be together again soon, some days are just harder than others. I'm a little selfish and want to keep him to myself. I don't want him getting bored with me. It's something so little and unimportant i really shouldn't let it bother me. So That's my whinge over, I'm gonna try sleeping and hopefully have a better night than i Did yesterday xx

Schedule me a hysterectomy!

It's times like these that being a woman seriously sucks. As a child i used to pray that i could be a guy, so i wouldn't need to go through things like periods and childbirth. Now i've survived both and crazily enough would happily do the childbirth thing again.... there's a tremendous reward at the end. It's kinda worth it. Now periods are another thing - other than your body screaming out "you're not pregnant"... i really don't see the point. They're evil!! So this is my vent about them - if u don't want to continue reading, here's your chance to escape and run fast. Otherwise brace yourself and ladies, prepare to nod your head in agreement since you know exactly what i mean.

Before i had my kids i used to suffer the worst cramps and pains - so bad i would take a day or 2 off school every month because i just couldn't concentrate or get comfortable. After i had my daughter Kailee, the cramping and pains didn't come back. I was so happy.... Then i had my son and breastfed for 18mths and didn't once get a period that whole time. Until of course he weaned and slowly but surely each month starting with a little more cramping, a little more pain. Then this month *WHAM!* full blown pain. My stomach was hurting so bad i seriously wanted to die. Even to the point that i messaged Matt and told him to shoot me. ;-) It was worth a shot. I was nearly in tears laying on the couch, no matter how i lay there or rolled over the pain was getting worse. I can't remember the last time my stomach hurt so bad or my back cramped - oh wait, maybe labour with Kailee. Today hasn't been as bad, but the sore back and stomach is still there. At this point as much as i'd love more kids, if someone offered me a hysterectomy right now, i'd be in like Flynn (i'd do it!).

Now within a couple of days, it'll all be over and i'll brace myself for next month (oh joy... not!). Surprisingly, Matt was a lot more sympathetic than i thought he would be. No wonder i love that man. As hard as he can be sometimes, when i really need him to say something comforting, he does. I know I can rely on him. Even though he's 250+kms away, he makes me feel a little better.

Babies, babies everywhere!

So I'm finally stepping outta the closet and admitting it - I'm getting a tad bit clucky with all these babies appearing everywhere. I must know at least 10 pregnant friends or family atm, Its crazy! I always said i was happy with my 2 kids and didn't want anymore unless of course i met an amazing guy that didn't have any of his own. Well i met Matt and He definitely fits the amazing category, and He's yet to have his own child/ren. Whilst there's not gonna be any litte Matt's or Jess's running around anytime soon, i can't help but look at these cute newborns and miss my kids being that little. I miss the newborn smell, the soft skin of a tiny baby and the innocence and delicateness of them. Xavier is now approaching the terrible 2s and driving me crazy. Somedays i wish He was back to that baby stage when He was so intrigued by bright colours and just lay there looking around. Now He's getting into everything. He can't sit still or stop eating for two minutes. All these baby clothes and gorgeous baby bellies around, i feel a little envious. A few things i DON'T miss though are the sleepless nights, leaking boobs and the constant dirty nappies. But the good far outweighs the bad. Even if they cost a fortune and stress any normal person out beyond belief. Although more kids for us is still a litte way off our agenda, part of me can't wait while another part wants to wait longer still. I'm looking forward to the day when i finally have my partner by my side to experience it all with me. Matt will make the most fantastic dad when the time comes. He's already great with my 2. He's a natural at this parenting thing.