I miss ... I love

Things I miss in life:
* cuddles in bed
* our cat kleo, she was always affectionate at night
* rainy, movie days
* being content with the simple things in life
* not having to worry about money
* foot massages
* affection
* the days when I didn't have to cook AND do the dishes
* days when my kids didn't fight
* the thrill of a new relationship. The butterflies and giggles.
* random cute messages throughout the day
* late night phone calls with friends
* trashy tv and birth shows on pay tv
* my kids baby giggles and gummy smiles

Things I love in life:
* the smile on my sons face when he wakes up and I open the door as he calls out "breakfast"
* kailee playing with my hair while I lay down
* 4wding. Playing in the mud, crawling over this wonderful land around us
* cooking - tho I hate cleaning the mess
* spending time with the people I love
* having a friend to talk to about anything
* reading. There's nothing like getting lost in a book
* my dogs. They're beautiful and affectionate
* laying under the fan on a warm summer night
* a full night sleep (pretty much near-extinct in my life)
* feeling pampered after a shave and washing my hair. Or a facial n eyebrow wax
*dying my hair blackcurrent
* natural long nails
* jewellery - especially gorgeous rings
* tattoos - I need to design my 8th tattoo
* Matt's family. They are amazing, incredible people who will always be in my heart
* watching my kids play together nicely
* Christmas time - carols, lights, Christmas trees and family time

While some parts of life are lacking, other parts are full to overflowing. Focus on the latter and disappointment never comes :-)

Curvy yes, overweight no

Sometimes (well most of the time) I wonder how the heck people are attracted to overweight partners. Odd thought I know since I'm a bit of a chubby chaser. Now don't get me wrong curvy girls are hot and I have some of the most stunning overweight friends do this has nothing to do with them. I'm just thinking in general (and maybe a little about me).

What makes an overweight person attractive? Do people with overweight partners find certain chunky bits a turn off? I'm just thinking cuz I seriously have the worst, jelly fat legs. That cannot be sexy, ever! Or the chunky cellulite butt. Tuckshop lady arms that jiggle when waving. Double (or more) chins. The list goes on.

It's crazy cuz I actually weigh less now than when I was withy ex and yet feel worse about my body. I'm not sure why. I mean obviously being severely overweight is a health risk in itself but why don't I feel confident and love my body like I used to? This body has created 2 beautiful children and nourished them. Why can't I love the effect that has had on my body? If only exercising and dieting and weightloss were easy I wouldn't be asking these preposterous questions of my self. I'd just lose weight and quit bitching. If only it were that simple.

My kids love me regardless of my size. Though my 'nearly 7yo' tells me to call Jenny Craig everytime the ad comes on tv. I know she just wants a healthy mama. It won't happen overnight and it's going to be a huge long process.

So I'm left wondering can you possibly love someone for their personality but not necessarily be attracted to their body and therefore not be affectionate. Surely if you were seriously attracted to someone you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off the other person. Or so I think.

Argh!

First of all let me just state that this post is purely how i "feel" not necessarily how it really is. This is my perception of it, for today anyway.

Some weekends i'd kill for a sleep in. But being the lightest sleeper in the house, i doubt that will ever happen unfortunately. It'd be nice once in a while to just lay in bed and doze back off to sleep after Matt's gotten up to them, organised breakfast etc. I start to think that maybe it's just me that thinks about letting him stay in bed and making him something yummy for breakfast. This morning i ended up on the lounge cuz i just couldn't sleep last nite, getting pushed out of bed, listening to the gruntly and groaning of someone who wanted the bed to oneself. Amazingly the lounge is quite comfy and i was having the nicest sleep until my alarm woke me up (damn you alarm!!) and then there was no turning back. Xavier and Kailee woke up, had breakfast and wanted the tv on. Matt wandered out of bed an hour or so later. Straight outside for a smoke, then lays on the lounge. The usual weekend ritual. I asked if he could organise some breakfast for us (him and I) and i didnt think it would be such a huge task, but its all gone downhill since. He's made himself toast, i started cleaning and we're both snappy at one another. I asked him if we could arrange alternating weekends to sleep in, and he snapped back that he didn't care. Apparently he's not feeling well and doesnt want to have to deal with us right now. Unfortunately, having a family requires you pull your socks up and get on with it at times like this. Logic tells me that if you're in a bad mood, you steer clear of everyone you really don't want to lash out at.

I hate being the scapegoat when there's a bad mood to be had. Somedays i wonder if there's more to being a mum, most days you're overlooked, under appreciated and just plain taken for granted. Rarely, is there a thank you, or a cuddle from someone who acknowledges all the hard work that is done. It really shouldn't be that big of a deal, but sometimes it really gets to me. Am i just supposed to 'accept' it and soldier on?

This weekend was never really off to a good start though, i've got a painful wisdom tooth pushing through and a sore throat from it all. Xavier has finally gotten over being sick and i'm seriously run down. I would love a day where i dont have to cook or clean or run around after someone for most of the day. I just don't see it happening anytime soon. I'm the maid around here, just for everyone's convenience it seems. Maybe tomorrow will be better.... nope, ive got lunches to make, kids to walk to school, swimming lessons, dinner to make, no money to go to Zumba for my 1 child-free hour and plenty of cleaning to do. And yet through all that, be the best girlfriend and mum i possibly can be. It's alot just for one person to have to do alone. Somehow i gotta find a way though. One step at a time. Baby steps.....

Battle of the mind

Lately my head has been all over the place. One minute I'm happy the next minute I'm biting someone's head off. It's hard to explain. I've battled depression for the past 11+ years and somedays it's a harder battle than others. I hate taking a tablet each day to make me feel normal or happy. So instead I exercise, or at least try to. I listen to loud music and I clean. These things usually help. But days like today I just get lost in my own head and want to give up. I'm stressed and completely lose my cool over the smallest things. I feel bad for my family who have to bear the brunt of my bad moods. I don't mean to be psycho but sometimes it unleashes.

Today I snapped at my kids for the stupidest of things - Kailee cried over a ripped homework book and Xavier dropped my laptop. The book is fine, after some minor repairs and the laptop still works, thankfully. Tomorrow is a new day and with it I hope it brings me more patience.

Xavier has been sick at home for the past week and still manages to get into anything and everything. His new fascination is the knife drawer and it scares me seeing him with something so sharp, trying to open a packet of some kind. This boy will certainly send me loopy for the rest of my life. I really need to get some locks put on quick smart. Not a moments peace while he's awake that's for sure.

Most days I know I could try harder, be more than what I am but it just seems so hard and so out of my reach. I'm determined to fight though, I won't give up. Some days I may get a tad lazy and demand a RDO but I'll keep trying. That's about all I can do. I have too much to live for to just surrender and concede defeat.

Look out world, some crazy is on the loose. Positive thinking needs to take over, overcome the negativity and win the battle of my mind. I seriously drive myself insane with the constant back and forwards, from elated to depressed. I just need to make more effort to force some positivity into my head.

So tonight, I think of all the amazing people around me and the most fantastic family I have. It doesn't get much better than this. (well it could but I won't push it!)

Better choices for 2012

It's been so long since I last posted anything I feel kind of lost as to what to write. I'm trying to make some healthier choices for 2012 and need to lose some serious weight. Zumba has started back up again and I've been going Monday and Wednesday nights, sweating my butt off something shocking. No pain no gain (or loss?) right? I gotta say though I feel tonnes better after working out for an hour than I did before I left home. Well maybe except the sore leg and limp I'm so graciously sporting. But I will survive!!

Now the only dilemma is to eat less. Easier said than done though. There's way too much to snack on. I just need to stay focused n dedicated. Disciplined. I can do this and I will. Idealistically my main goal is to lose 21kg and get down to 75kg. (yes, do the math and that makes me 96kg at the moment. Well there abouts).

I seriously should do some before and after shots just to track my progress. I'm lazy though. Maybe tomorrow?

Poor Aileen :-(

Unfortunately, during the night my little sister had to make the decision to turn her son's life support machines off. He had bleeding on his brain and i'm not completely sure of the circumstances, but they made the decision to let him go be with his brother Isaac in heaven.

I cannot imagine the pain and sadness that must be consuming her at the moment, especially having been through this tragedy before. After being able to look at her little boy for 2 days and spend time with him, touching him. I can't beging to fathom having to say goodbye and letting go as a mother. My heart is broken for her and her partner, Anson. This is every parents worst nightmare - especially having to do it not just once, but twice.

I don't know what to do, or say... i know that nothing is going to make it better, or take the pain away for them. I'll try calling her tomorrow just so she knows that she has the support and love around her that she needs, but if she doesnt feel up to talking thats completely understandable. I'm not sure i'd be ready to talk to anyone if i was in her shoes.

I can't believe this has happened again to her. It blows my mind that some ppl recklessly keep having children, knowing the children will have medical issues, or will be born dangerously early.... and fortunately for them, they have wonderful and healthy babies that continue to grow and thrive. The only thing my sister ever wanted was for her son to be okay and for her to not have to go through losing another child.... she'd only told me days ago how scared she was of this happening again. Part of me gets so mad that our family has been through enough this year and to see people in other areas of my life thrive on their own drama.

Over the past 2 years, Aileen has already had to bury her son Isaac; we've lost our little brother Douglas, killed in August this year; our brother Jody is still in jail and now baby Henry has passed away. It's not fair for so much heartache to be dealt to one person. I just want to be there for her, hug her and tell her it's going to be okay. Though it will probably be a long time before any of it feels okay for her.

2011 just plain sucks!!! Other than meeting Matt in January, nothing good has really come from this year and i can't wait for it to be over. Surely it can't get any worse than this?!

R.I.P. Henry John Richardson/Reid
26.11.11 - 28.11.11

Mama's big boy

A week ago i decided to start potty training Xavier and surprisingly He picked it up straight away and hasn't had a single accident. He'll even take his nappy off to wee on the grass lol gotta get him in the big Toilet now! I thought we'd struggle and it'd take a while for him to learn but He was Obviously ready to transition out of nappies. He's still in them when we go in public but soon he'll be in undies most the time. I'm so proud of him for adjusting so well.

2011: mostly bad, rarely good

Nearly a year ago my best friend Serena and i commented that 2011 has GOT to be better than 2010. I think we jinxed everything and didn't think it was possible but this year sucks even worse than last year Did!

So far my little brother has been killed, my best friends family dealt some horrendous news and now just yesterday my little sister had her son 13wks early. After already having a baby at 21wks and giving birth to a stillborn son this was What she feared most. Giving birth at nearly 27wks. Thankfully There's a good chance bub will survive and grow big and strong!

While the year mostly sucked there has been a couple of good things happen. . . I met Matt and got in contact with my little sister for the first time in her life (nearly 14yrs). But we all know the bad seems to far outweigh the good. . . And i just want a better year for 2012 but won't hold my breath.

moving forward

It's been so long since I've written anything. . . I'm feeling pretty darn slack.

So much is happening, I'm too exhausted to blog let alone scratch myself. I signed up for a speedy 5wk course to get my Certificate II Business. It's the beginning of week 4 and I'm finished! Yay! I have 3 days of work experience ahead of me in the office of family daycare, which I'm pretty excited about. Nervous too but it's bound to get me back into the swing of things so i can get a real job. It feels nice to finally do something for me and better myself just a little bit more. I've even applied for a few awesome jobs, so I'm pretty excited bout trying.

Xavier is now in daycare 3 days a week (through family daycare) and He loves it! I'm sure He doesn't mind getting away from mummy for a bit and playing with all the other kids. His daycare mum is a lovely lady and doesn't cost me an arm and a leg either thankfully.

Kailee's enjoying school, flying along with everything from reading to maths. She has a few junior choir performances coming up which she's excited about. We'll go and watch her sing her little heart out. I even bought her a cute Santa hat to wear which she was impressed with. Gotta love How easily pleased kids are sometimes.

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm stressed. So much to organise in under 6wks. I swear i need to be better organised next year - tho I'm pretty sure i say that every year. Maybe in 2012 it will happen, fingers crossed. Both the kids are getting new bikes so Hopefully that keeps them busy and outta my hair for a while. One can dream right?

I think That's about all That's been happening with us. So until i next time when i get a chance to breathe, I'll call it a night. I'm off to dream about black forest cake pops which I'm gonna attempt tomorrow with kailee. Hopefully i don't mess them up too much.

The things we say

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths some people will go to in order to hurt someone else. The little things people say doesn't bother them, then BAM! and argument arises and it's these little things they bitch and moan about. Why say it doesn't both you if you're only going to use it as ammo in the next screaming match? I just wish people could be honest in the first place, if it's an issue then say so. Don't pretend 99% of the time and then bring it up when you aren't getting your own way.

I'm not perfect - far from it actually. Ask anyone who knows me. I try to do the right thing the majority of the time, i try to keep others happy but it's not always good enough. Just like everyone else, there's times when i fail and i get things wrong. But for goodness sake, don't bring my kids into it. They're young and still learning about life, boundaries, rules and the like. I try my best with them, at least i hope i do, but they too fall short of perfection. Maybe people just know that saying something horrible about them is going to push all the right buttons to get me in a bad mood. It's not something i can just let go of easily.

It's amazing though, the things that are brought up in an argument. That's when the truth seems to really come out. I don't understand the point of beating around the bush the majority of the time, only to lash out about something later on. I don't know there's an issue unless someone tells me, and it's not my fault if i'm not aware of any such issue without having been told prior to some petty disagreement.

For today, i'm over it! I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt or that i'm not angry. I'm going to keep to myself and hopefully stay out of trouble. My fingers are crossed anyway.

Why Did you have to go?

i ask myself why u had to leave us and why God felt it was ur time to go. I'm sure He had a plan in there somewhere i just don't understand it. I would never wish this pain on anyone, i just wish we didn't have to feel it either. You had ur whole life ahead of u, u'd only just begun to see What life had in store for you. I ask myself why u were on that road that nite but can't find any answers. I wish there was something we could say or do to bring u back but i know There's nothing. Life goes on, i just don't want it to. I don't want to continue doing everyday tasks like everything's ok. Nothing's ok. I have my kids to keep me going and people around that want to help but How do i explain How i feel and make them understand? I feel all alone in this mess and don't know How to pull myself back up again. I get so angry at people for not saying the right thing or not doing something to make it all better. Deep down i know There's nothing they can do or say to take away this pain. I'm so scared of losing everyone else around me i feel like a complete nutcase. I can't seem to hold it together anymore. I don't want to get up in the morning, put on a smile n face the big wide world. I want to hide away until it's all over or wake up and realise it was just a bad dream. That's not gonna happen though, it's real. You're gone.

I wonder What life would have been like if you stayed living with me and i told James to take a hike. I know i wouldn't have my son then but i wouldn't have even known He could've been in my future. You could have been still at school, enjoying life, texting ur girlfriend, etc. You'd still be here with us. What if i had've visited more, we could've spent more time together hanging out, chatting. I could have hugged u once more and told u i loved u again. I know it might not have changed anything but i wouldn't feel like a lousy big sister. I was never around and I'm sorry.

I can't go back and change any of that now which just sucks. I don't want to sit here crying every night wishing someone understood why it hurts me so much. I want to be happy for the time we shared together, the memories i have and the life u lived. I don't ever want to forget you or the impression u made in our lives. I listen to the rain and wish we could just sit and talk like we used to. Atm the rain just hasn't let up. Sometimes Its very light other times it's pelting down. Just like my tears. When i keep distracted my tears are always there but not for everyone to see. Other times i just can't get them to stop. I don't want to tell ppl How much it hurts or for them to see me cry. They can't help.

I miss you Douglas and always will. I love you so much it hurts all the more now ur not here with us anymore. i pray ur in a better place and ur happy. I'll never forget ur smile, the love u had for ur family, and ur cheeky attitude. I'm proud to call u my little brother. Thank you for being in my life, even tho it wasn't for long.

To my little brother Jody (currently serving time in jail)

To my little brother Jody,

I'm not sure How to start a letter to you at such a heartbreaking time for our family. I can't begin to imagine How ur coping with all of this in there. My heart is broken and i don't think it can be fixed. I miss you all so much it hurts. The only silver lining in this cloud is that I'll see you all again next week. I just hate that it'll be for our little brother's funeral. I'm thinking of you everyday and praying you have people to support you where you are.

The kids and i are doing okay considering the circumstances. Kailee is full of attitude and backchatting - she's definitely a Richardson. Xavier is nearly 2 and getting into absolutely everything He possibly can. Today He came out covered in nappy rash cream he'd found up in the cupboard after He climbed on his toys to reach. It was hilarious and so cute. Messy though. Kailee's in year 1 and loves school though she tells me everyday she wants to quit school. It's hard being 6 i guess.

Mum, her husband Rob, Kyle and Sarah are all doing okay. They'll be up next week as well (except Rob) to see everyone and say goodbye to Douglas. Kyle still hasn't got married yet, they're holding off until they can afford it. As for me i have an amazing boyfriend - not sure if i was with him last time i wrote to you or not - his name is Matt, He's 24 and we met through a mutual friend in January this year. The kids and i moved in with him 2mths after we got together. He now works away in Brisbane and only comes home every 2nd weekend. It sucks but Its only until the kids and i move down there later this year, around Christmas. The kids love him and He's fantastic with them. I can Honestly see myself marrying him and settling down with at least 1 more child further down the track. The distance between him and i sucks but somehow it makes us stronger. I love him like crazy.

This past week have been so hard. I have trouble sleeping and i can't stop crying. I don't want to believe it's true and just want to see our little brother again one last time. When i found out he'd died i felt so alone, i died inside too that night. I've been pushing everyone away, even Matt and been so angry at people. I hate being so far away from all my Richardson family. I just want to be with everyone and remember all the good times we had with Douglas. A piece of my heart is missing now He's no longer with us.

A bittersweet moment happened on Wednesday night though, our little sister Xena found me on Facebook! I don't know if u recall dad talking about her but she's about 5mths younger than Jarvis. He mum had never told her about us and now she lives with her grandmother. Once it was on the news about Douglas her grandmother recognised the name and seeing dad. She told Xena that was her brother. Understandably she's upset she never got to meet Douglas. She's coming to the funeral and will meet most of her brothers and sisters and most importantly dad. She's so excited to meet dad. She's 13 and lives in Rocky. She looks just like dad Did when he was a teenager. She's a very pretty girl and seems so loving and down to earth. She tells us all she loves us and can't wait to meet everyone. I'm so glad she can be at the funeral with us.

I've ordered 15 balloons for us all to release at the funeral (well immediate family). I got the aboriginal colours red, black and yellow. We'll grab some flowers as well. I thought it would be a nice touch. I'm not sure I'm going to hold it together next week. I'll be an absolute wreck, as I'm sure we all will be. I should try and get some sleep. I'm going to finish this letter here and say Goodnight. I miss u little brother and love u like crazy. I can't wait to see u soon babe. Love always ur big sister xX

R.I.P my little brother

Douglas Wayne Richardson.
A life faded out too quickly. :-(
Friday night i got the worst phone calls from my step-sister, Heidi. My 15yo brother Douglas had been hit by a car and was in a bad way. I was shaken up and prayed so hard for him to be okay. Worried, i raced to my computer to get people praying and hoping for the best. I don't know why but i checked the Queensland police service page and saw a report on the accident. . . I wasn't prepared for this. All it stated was that a young male had been struck by a car and was pronounced dead at the scene. I didn't want it to be true but when do the police ever report something like that when Its not accurate information? Not ever that i know of! Friends and family were telling me he was revived and it was touch and go. He was on the way to the hospital. But didn't the report say He was pronounced dead? Surely they wouldn't pronounce it and then revive him. I called my poppy (one of the most incredible men i know and love) and tried keeping him updated with What i knew. The whole family was unbelievably worried.

I called the hospital, no Douglas Richardson there. They put me through to the police (not a good sign I'm thinking) and the officer i spoke to said due to the nature He couldn't tell me anything over the phone, police were still at the scene of the accident. Now I'm really worried but starting to brace myself for the inevitable. I tried calling my best friend who was sick and in bed, she wasn't answering. Crap! I just wanted to know What was going on. My dad wasn't even going to go to the hospital, thinking it would only be minor. A couple hrs later, the police went around to my step-sister's house and confirmed the worse. Douglas had died.

My step-sister called crying. I knew it was true but with all my heart didn't want it to be. Part of me had accepted it when i first read the police statement that the young male hit had died but prayed it was just human error when being written. Heidi just kept saying she was so sorry. Poor girl was a mess but for now i was holding it together. I had my mum, sister and step-dad here (another absolutely amazing man), i had to tell them.

I called my poppy and gave him the bad news and called my brother who didn't know anything yet (him and i have the same mum, while Douglas and i have the same dad). Everyone was shocked and upset. This is something that always happens to everyone else, not us, not our family. It just didn't seem real. I can't imagine How my family near Douglas was feeling. The pain was hard enough for me.

Later, details of What actually happened emerged. Douglas was riding a push scooter along a road leading from Mount Morgan towards Rockhampton when He was struck by a car. He then went into the path of an oncoming car and was hit again and became trapped under that vehicle. While emergency services fought to free him no one could tell us How He was. It took hours. We may never know How it happened, who was at fault or why Douglas and his 2 friends were along that stretch of road in the first place. All we know is we lost someone close to us.

I felt numb for so long. Finally i was able to get a hold of my best friend and she said she would come stay with me the following day. That's helped keep me distracted, until everyone is asleep of course. Then my mind goes into over drive. So far I've slept about 3hrs for the past 2 nites. I'm a Damn zombie. I've been awake now since around 2am and it's nearing 5.30am. I hate not being able to sleep, i just lay here and cry. Why Did it have to be him? He was too young, a kid full of passion and love for his family. He was amazing in every way even when his rebellious streak was on display.

We'll miss u forever Douglas. One day we'll see Each other again but until then part of my heart is missing. Rest in peace Hunni and know we will always love and think of you.

How?!

How can you keep trusting someone when confronted with something that appears to be awful, but isn't what it seems - or so you're told? How do you keep putting your heart out there hoping it won't be smashed into a million pieces.

I've been hurt by so many different people for various reasons and it's hard for me to trust anyone. I want to believe the best in people, but sometimes circumstances make it hard to do just that. Today i was confronted with a situation where it looked as though someone i really care about has done wrong by me. They say it's nothing like that, and they didn't realise the situation even existed. I want to believe them and push it aside and get on with life - and i'm trying to do just that. I want to believe everything they say and trust them completely but how do i keep from wondering "what if it's really true?". I just wish this didn't happen.

My head is a mess and i hope this doesn't effect how much i trust that person and that things between us will continue to be okay. Time will only tell...

Things to be grateful for. . .

Today these are the things I'm most grateful for:

* being alive. I'm healthy, happy and abundantly blessed to have lived another amazing day;

* an amazing man who chooses to stand beside me in this crazy life. His whole life changed the day He decide to ask me out knowing He was not only getting a girlfriend but a ready-made family with 2 kids. It takes an incredibly strong man to willingly jump into that;

* my 2 beautiful children. As much as they frustrate me, something as little as a letter from kailee or a cuddle from Xavier makes all the stress worth it. They brighten up the darkest of days and keep me fighting when I'm ready to give up;

* peace and quiet. No dogs barking at nothing in particular, keeping me up all night.

* my family. Being able to spend time with them without ulterior motives. We can just chat and hang out without needing anything from Each other. I know they're there Whenever i need them;

* a warm blanket. To keep me warm while i have the fan blowing a gale as i lay in bed.

* coffee cake. Food just doesnt get much better than that!

Those are just a few things i'm grateful for tonight. Tomorrow i'll no doubt be grateful for lots more. I'll post them as a think of them.

Irritating animals

I absolutely love animals. If i could have a zoo of my own i would, as long as someone else helped me feed n clean them of course. One thing that seriously bugs the crap out of me though is animals that don't listen and ruin things. Now don't get me wrong, Matt loves me and more importantly He loves my kids. I love him and love his kids - well his 2 dogs. But i'd love them even more if they didn't dig holes all over the backyard, chew the kids toys/books, bark all night for practically no reason. My dogs aren't perfect either but most the time they listen. I just wish Matt's dogs would listen but I'm not sure they even know What that means. I'm frustrated and just about at my wits end. They're worse than the children. At least the children sleep or play quietly without driving me crazy all day everyday. Grr!

Drained

I feel so drained. Sometimes i feel like i am forever doing things for others and rarely have anyone there when i need it. Don't get me wrong, some people have much bigger issues going on in their life at the moment than i do but i feel like i can't turn to them because my dramas seem so little and unimportant than What they're dealing with. I feel selfish, lost in the crowd and mostly just drained. I hate sitting at home alone while the kids sleep. I love having someone to talk to but lately Its been so quiet and everyone's been busy or doesn't feel like talking. Like my last post though, I'll probably feel better tomorrow but for tonight i feel 'blah'. This is my vent and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, Its just How i feel for the time being. Things will get better and given some time and serious saving, Matt and i will be back in the same town again and then at least one thing will be looking up. I can't wait til the distance between us doesn't exist anymore. This week has been fairly Boring and uneventful, the cramps in my back still haven't gone and Its going on 4 days now, I'm over it. So while sleep beckons I'm going to cuddle up to my pillow and dream of fun, exciting, more positive things. Night blog people xx

My silly little whinge

Now this is prolly gonna sound stupid and i may just regret writing it tomorrow. Sometimes i sit at home in the quiet after the kids have gone to bed and i just feel, lonely. Matt calls me most nites which makes my day totally but i hate that we only talk for 10mins, sometimes 20. I know He hates talking on the phone and He runs outta things to say but Its the only time i really get to talk to him. He's busy with work all day and Its not unusual for me to not hear from him for 11hrs. I won't lie, i hate it. I don't want him texting or calling while He's driving so That's ok. But when He finishes work There's times i feel like He's too busy with everything else to want to talk to me. He's got his friends He's with to talk to and play games online with and people to visit. It's really silly i know, I'm hearing myself and thinking WTF?! I'm like some crazy, emotional, stalker girlfriend. I'm not sad over it I'm just kind of . . . . I don't know. It's hard to pinpoint How i feel tonight. I hate it. Maybe Its just because I'm not feeling so good and wish He was here to give me a hug. I know He's working away to make more money so we can all be together again soon, some days are just harder than others. I'm a little selfish and want to keep him to myself. I don't want him getting bored with me. It's something so little and unimportant i really shouldn't let it bother me. So That's my whinge over, I'm gonna try sleeping and hopefully have a better night than i Did yesterday xx

Schedule me a hysterectomy!

It's times like these that being a woman seriously sucks. As a child i used to pray that i could be a guy, so i wouldn't need to go through things like periods and childbirth. Now i've survived both and crazily enough would happily do the childbirth thing again.... there's a tremendous reward at the end. It's kinda worth it. Now periods are another thing - other than your body screaming out "you're not pregnant"... i really don't see the point. They're evil!! So this is my vent about them - if u don't want to continue reading, here's your chance to escape and run fast. Otherwise brace yourself and ladies, prepare to nod your head in agreement since you know exactly what i mean.

Before i had my kids i used to suffer the worst cramps and pains - so bad i would take a day or 2 off school every month because i just couldn't concentrate or get comfortable. After i had my daughter Kailee, the cramping and pains didn't come back. I was so happy.... Then i had my son and breastfed for 18mths and didn't once get a period that whole time. Until of course he weaned and slowly but surely each month starting with a little more cramping, a little more pain. Then this month *WHAM!* full blown pain. My stomach was hurting so bad i seriously wanted to die. Even to the point that i messaged Matt and told him to shoot me. ;-) It was worth a shot. I was nearly in tears laying on the couch, no matter how i lay there or rolled over the pain was getting worse. I can't remember the last time my stomach hurt so bad or my back cramped - oh wait, maybe labour with Kailee. Today hasn't been as bad, but the sore back and stomach is still there. At this point as much as i'd love more kids, if someone offered me a hysterectomy right now, i'd be in like Flynn (i'd do it!).

Now within a couple of days, it'll all be over and i'll brace myself for next month (oh joy... not!). Surprisingly, Matt was a lot more sympathetic than i thought he would be. No wonder i love that man. As hard as he can be sometimes, when i really need him to say something comforting, he does. I know I can rely on him. Even though he's 250+kms away, he makes me feel a little better.

Babies, babies everywhere!

So I'm finally stepping outta the closet and admitting it - I'm getting a tad bit clucky with all these babies appearing everywhere. I must know at least 10 pregnant friends or family atm, Its crazy! I always said i was happy with my 2 kids and didn't want anymore unless of course i met an amazing guy that didn't have any of his own. Well i met Matt and He definitely fits the amazing category, and He's yet to have his own child/ren. Whilst there's not gonna be any litte Matt's or Jess's running around anytime soon, i can't help but look at these cute newborns and miss my kids being that little. I miss the newborn smell, the soft skin of a tiny baby and the innocence and delicateness of them. Xavier is now approaching the terrible 2s and driving me crazy. Somedays i wish He was back to that baby stage when He was so intrigued by bright colours and just lay there looking around. Now He's getting into everything. He can't sit still or stop eating for two minutes. All these baby clothes and gorgeous baby bellies around, i feel a little envious. A few things i DON'T miss though are the sleepless nights, leaking boobs and the constant dirty nappies. But the good far outweighs the bad. Even if they cost a fortune and stress any normal person out beyond belief. Although more kids for us is still a litte way off our agenda, part of me can't wait while another part wants to wait longer still. I'm looking forward to the day when i finally have my partner by my side to experience it all with me. Matt will make the most fantastic dad when the time comes. He's already great with my 2. He's a natural at this parenting thing.