How?!

How can you keep trusting someone when confronted with something that appears to be awful, but isn't what it seems - or so you're told? How do you keep putting your heart out there hoping it won't be smashed into a million pieces.

I've been hurt by so many different people for various reasons and it's hard for me to trust anyone. I want to believe the best in people, but sometimes circumstances make it hard to do just that. Today i was confronted with a situation where it looked as though someone i really care about has done wrong by me. They say it's nothing like that, and they didn't realise the situation even existed. I want to believe them and push it aside and get on with life - and i'm trying to do just that. I want to believe everything they say and trust them completely but how do i keep from wondering "what if it's really true?". I just wish this didn't happen.

My head is a mess and i hope this doesn't effect how much i trust that person and that things between us will continue to be okay. Time will only tell...

Things to be grateful for. . .

Today these are the things I'm most grateful for:

* being alive. I'm healthy, happy and abundantly blessed to have lived another amazing day;

* an amazing man who chooses to stand beside me in this crazy life. His whole life changed the day He decide to ask me out knowing He was not only getting a girlfriend but a ready-made family with 2 kids. It takes an incredibly strong man to willingly jump into that;

* my 2 beautiful children. As much as they frustrate me, something as little as a letter from kailee or a cuddle from Xavier makes all the stress worth it. They brighten up the darkest of days and keep me fighting when I'm ready to give up;

* peace and quiet. No dogs barking at nothing in particular, keeping me up all night.

* my family. Being able to spend time with them without ulterior motives. We can just chat and hang out without needing anything from Each other. I know they're there Whenever i need them;

* a warm blanket. To keep me warm while i have the fan blowing a gale as i lay in bed.

* coffee cake. Food just doesnt get much better than that!

Those are just a few things i'm grateful for tonight. Tomorrow i'll no doubt be grateful for lots more. I'll post them as a think of them.

Irritating animals

I absolutely love animals. If i could have a zoo of my own i would, as long as someone else helped me feed n clean them of course. One thing that seriously bugs the crap out of me though is animals that don't listen and ruin things. Now don't get me wrong, Matt loves me and more importantly He loves my kids. I love him and love his kids - well his 2 dogs. But i'd love them even more if they didn't dig holes all over the backyard, chew the kids toys/books, bark all night for practically no reason. My dogs aren't perfect either but most the time they listen. I just wish Matt's dogs would listen but I'm not sure they even know What that means. I'm frustrated and just about at my wits end. They're worse than the children. At least the children sleep or play quietly without driving me crazy all day everyday. Grr!

Drained

I feel so drained. Sometimes i feel like i am forever doing things for others and rarely have anyone there when i need it. Don't get me wrong, some people have much bigger issues going on in their life at the moment than i do but i feel like i can't turn to them because my dramas seem so little and unimportant than What they're dealing with. I feel selfish, lost in the crowd and mostly just drained. I hate sitting at home alone while the kids sleep. I love having someone to talk to but lately Its been so quiet and everyone's been busy or doesn't feel like talking. Like my last post though, I'll probably feel better tomorrow but for tonight i feel 'blah'. This is my vent and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, Its just How i feel for the time being. Things will get better and given some time and serious saving, Matt and i will be back in the same town again and then at least one thing will be looking up. I can't wait til the distance between us doesn't exist anymore. This week has been fairly Boring and uneventful, the cramps in my back still haven't gone and Its going on 4 days now, I'm over it. So while sleep beckons I'm going to cuddle up to my pillow and dream of fun, exciting, more positive things. Night blog people xx

My silly little whinge

Now this is prolly gonna sound stupid and i may just regret writing it tomorrow. Sometimes i sit at home in the quiet after the kids have gone to bed and i just feel, lonely. Matt calls me most nites which makes my day totally but i hate that we only talk for 10mins, sometimes 20. I know He hates talking on the phone and He runs outta things to say but Its the only time i really get to talk to him. He's busy with work all day and Its not unusual for me to not hear from him for 11hrs. I won't lie, i hate it. I don't want him texting or calling while He's driving so That's ok. But when He finishes work There's times i feel like He's too busy with everything else to want to talk to me. He's got his friends He's with to talk to and play games online with and people to visit. It's really silly i know, I'm hearing myself and thinking WTF?! I'm like some crazy, emotional, stalker girlfriend. I'm not sad over it I'm just kind of . . . . I don't know. It's hard to pinpoint How i feel tonight. I hate it. Maybe Its just because I'm not feeling so good and wish He was here to give me a hug. I know He's working away to make more money so we can all be together again soon, some days are just harder than others. I'm a little selfish and want to keep him to myself. I don't want him getting bored with me. It's something so little and unimportant i really shouldn't let it bother me. So That's my whinge over, I'm gonna try sleeping and hopefully have a better night than i Did yesterday xx

Schedule me a hysterectomy!

It's times like these that being a woman seriously sucks. As a child i used to pray that i could be a guy, so i wouldn't need to go through things like periods and childbirth. Now i've survived both and crazily enough would happily do the childbirth thing again.... there's a tremendous reward at the end. It's kinda worth it. Now periods are another thing - other than your body screaming out "you're not pregnant"... i really don't see the point. They're evil!! So this is my vent about them - if u don't want to continue reading, here's your chance to escape and run fast. Otherwise brace yourself and ladies, prepare to nod your head in agreement since you know exactly what i mean.

Before i had my kids i used to suffer the worst cramps and pains - so bad i would take a day or 2 off school every month because i just couldn't concentrate or get comfortable. After i had my daughter Kailee, the cramping and pains didn't come back. I was so happy.... Then i had my son and breastfed for 18mths and didn't once get a period that whole time. Until of course he weaned and slowly but surely each month starting with a little more cramping, a little more pain. Then this month *WHAM!* full blown pain. My stomach was hurting so bad i seriously wanted to die. Even to the point that i messaged Matt and told him to shoot me. ;-) It was worth a shot. I was nearly in tears laying on the couch, no matter how i lay there or rolled over the pain was getting worse. I can't remember the last time my stomach hurt so bad or my back cramped - oh wait, maybe labour with Kailee. Today hasn't been as bad, but the sore back and stomach is still there. At this point as much as i'd love more kids, if someone offered me a hysterectomy right now, i'd be in like Flynn (i'd do it!).

Now within a couple of days, it'll all be over and i'll brace myself for next month (oh joy... not!). Surprisingly, Matt was a lot more sympathetic than i thought he would be. No wonder i love that man. As hard as he can be sometimes, when i really need him to say something comforting, he does. I know I can rely on him. Even though he's 250+kms away, he makes me feel a little better.

Babies, babies everywhere!

So I'm finally stepping outta the closet and admitting it - I'm getting a tad bit clucky with all these babies appearing everywhere. I must know at least 10 pregnant friends or family atm, Its crazy! I always said i was happy with my 2 kids and didn't want anymore unless of course i met an amazing guy that didn't have any of his own. Well i met Matt and He definitely fits the amazing category, and He's yet to have his own child/ren. Whilst there's not gonna be any litte Matt's or Jess's running around anytime soon, i can't help but look at these cute newborns and miss my kids being that little. I miss the newborn smell, the soft skin of a tiny baby and the innocence and delicateness of them. Xavier is now approaching the terrible 2s and driving me crazy. Somedays i wish He was back to that baby stage when He was so intrigued by bright colours and just lay there looking around. Now He's getting into everything. He can't sit still or stop eating for two minutes. All these baby clothes and gorgeous baby bellies around, i feel a little envious. A few things i DON'T miss though are the sleepless nights, leaking boobs and the constant dirty nappies. But the good far outweighs the bad. Even if they cost a fortune and stress any normal person out beyond belief. Although more kids for us is still a litte way off our agenda, part of me can't wait while another part wants to wait longer still. I'm looking forward to the day when i finally have my partner by my side to experience it all with me. Matt will make the most fantastic dad when the time comes. He's already great with my 2. He's a natural at this parenting thing.