Winter

It's so cold here lately. Not so cold that i wish it was summer (i prefer winter) but cold enough that u need a blanket when watching tv and having children climbing all over u is a bonus for keeping u warm and not annoying.

I love a cold pillow under my head but hate the freezing sheets as i crawl into bed. Here i have this big bed to keep warm on my lonesome. Plenty of room to spread out which makes it all worthwhile.

At least sleep is easier when it's cooler weather. Speaking of which i better get some. I'll post again soon hopefully

Relationships

I don't have a perfect relationship. Far from it actually. We fight (at least every weekend) and no matter How many times i try to talk to him He's not listening. This relationship is so one sided. Its always me making him food, getting him drinks, washing his clothes etc not once does He do those things for me at home. The other nite we went out and for the whole hour and a half we were waiting for our dinner we walked around doing What He wanted. No matter How many times i said i felt sick and needed to sit outside, He didn't want to. So we kept walking. I didn't want to nag (apparently i already nag too much) so i shut up and soldiered on.

If There's anything i need or want He's always quick to say no. Sometimes i don't know why i bother wanting anything. It's like a starving child in a 3rd world country. Why bother wanting food when ur not getting it anyway.

I just want a relationship where I'm appreciated. I want to be told How much i mean to him, that He thinks I'm beautiful, etc. It's not too much to ask for surely. Obviously though it is for me. I only seem to attract the type of guy who wants to boss me around, treat me like rubbish and still expect me to be here tomorrow. I'm stubborn and keep trying and trying because i love him but one day Its just not going to be enough anymore.

Crazy in love

After chatting to Matt today i realise I'm more in love with him than ever before. I hate that He's not here. It feels like a bit piece of my heart is missing. I never imagined my heart could love this much (besides my kids).

When is it time to stop trying?

When comes the point where you stop trying with friends that just can't be bothered with you? I will be the first to admit that I'm a pretty shocking friend at times, but i do try to make an effort so people don't start to feel pushed aside or forgotten.

Is it better to keep your mouth shut and not bother or do you keep trying over and over and over again? When is enough really enough?

I get told not to cut certain people out of my life because it'll only cause drama but i don't get why some people should know What's happening in my life if they aren't really 'friends' of mine. I don't trust many people these days as they only seem to bitch about others, or pretend to be your friend to gather information or just be a nosey parker.

I kinda figure that even if you've been friends for a long time sometimes people drift apart and the friendship just isn't there anymore. So when do you call an end to it? When do you give up and stop trying?

i hate it

i hate that He's not here. I hate that i can't talk to him on the phone. I hate that i can't feel his arms around me. I hate the lost feeling i get when He's not here. I hate that our weekend together just wasn't long enough. Mostly i hate that it had to end at all.

i'd scream from the rooftop just How much He means to me if it would stop people from being so sceptical about us. He's my world, the only person i want laying beside me Each and every nite for the rest of my life.

that day my friend Lisa messaged me saying she knew a guy that would be perfect for me, i didn't believe it for a second. Nearly 5 months later, i couldn't have been more wrong. My life changed the minute i saw him walk towards me. My heart skipped a beat and i knew there was nothing more i wanted at that moment than him. I can't begin to describe How elated i was when He told me He loved me for the first time. I didn't want to fall in love again but i was already falling. I was falling hard and fast.

i love you Matt. You'll forever hold my heart.

Wanna know how I really feel?

while u were away u were all i could think of. My heart broke not having u here to talk to or hug. We barely spoke at all until our half hour phone call Each nite which half the time ended in us disagreeing. I was so excited all day knowing that tonite i would see u and be able to hug u even if Its just for 2 nites. The only time u seemed happy once u got home was the first few minutes when u gave me a hug and a kiss them u had ur first dig at me about being on the computer as usual. I'm hardly on the computer! Then u had another dig saying kailee's always sick. Cut the poor kid a break. I didn't ask about gladstone so u were sh!tty. No matter What i Did it was wrong and pissed u off. Kailee's having nightmares and u think she's getting them from reading the bible. For goodness sake. I love u more than u could ever comprehend but i can't keep being treated like this. You say u love me but this isn't love. This is hurtful. I'm not claiming to be perfect, I'm sure There's times i hurt u too but it can't be this often. I feel like u didn't want to come home and only Did it cuz u had to. U haven't been happy since u've been back and no matter How much i try nothing changes that. You said i didn't trust u while u were away - my god i have never trusted anyone more than i trust u. I've never gone out of my way so much for someone before. I wonder if u'd even care if i left. I don't think it would bother u either way. There'll always be another girl eventually that will worship the ground u walk on. At least u wouldn't be left to raise someone else's "trophies". It breaks my heart that only yesterday i was telling a friend that ur the one i want to settle down with and one day marry and tonite I've thought leaving. I can't take much more of this. I'm not ur slave I'm not ur mum, I'm ur girlfriend. The love of ur life supposedly.

Computers, pets and a pain-in-the ass boyfriend

It seems like an eternity since i have last posted anything on this blog. For some reason my wordpress app on my mobile has been coming up with some error when i try to connect and it's been driving me absolutely crazy. And when it's not giving me an error, i just can't be bothered typing out something half-intelligent, if i could muster up anything at all. Anyway, after more than 6wks of living in our new place, finally i set up my computer and feel fairly human again. I've been pretty slack and mostly been surfing the net on my mobile, which drives me crazy cuz u can hardly see a thing since it's so tiny.

So, tonight i have been ready to strangle someone and at the same exact moment, just about roll on the floor laughing. I thank God each and every day for my boyfriend Matt who not only drives me around the bend but makes me laugh more than anyone else possibly could. Sometimes it's impossible to be mad with him when i just want to laugh at how much he stirs me for something completely trivial. I'm sure most of the things he does is just to annoy me lol He drops a big bombshell tonight, but with the most upbeat attitude - i wanted to kneecap him so bad. Then he tells me since i didn't vacuum today, he'll be ok to let the dog in (who sheds so much that i'm amazed he still has hair on his body - ok maybe a slight exaggeration lol).... let me just clarify, i DID in fact vacuum this afternoon. So after saying i didn't want the dog inside, he lets the bloody animal in while i'm washing the dinner dishes. OMG this man frustrates me - but i can hear him in the lounge room telling the dog to sit still so i don't make him go outside. (Just imagine him doing this in a baby-ish kind of voice that you would hear a grandmother use when talking to a 3mth old baby...... yep that's how he talks to the dog). I fight the urge to strangle him (Matt, not the poor animal that doesn't understand lol), whilst at the same time fighting the urge to laugh. I don't want Matt to think he's funny - no doubt he'll read this and just nod, like the world has finally realised what he's known all along. *pfft*

Regardless of how much of a ginormous pain in the ass he is, i couldn't be happier. I can't ever remember being this content, happy or loved in any relationship i've been in. No doubt, at the time i thought i was happy and in love - but in the back of my mind, there was always something that was bugging me. I'm pretty sure there's nothing bugging me atm - but wait until another moment when Matt annoys me and i might just find something. No doubt he'll shit me again by the time the night ends. Good thing the bedroom is at the other end of the house to the kitchen - i may just stab him lol. (I'm starting to realise that my blog is getting a tad "violent" with all this talk of kneecapping and stabbing. Rest assured ppl, i will not stab or kneecap Matt........ or will I?) :-P So the man is crazy, an absolutely nutter - but i love him. Why you probably ask... *shrugs* beats me, i just kinda do. Hopefully in 20years i'll still be talking about wanting to beat him with a stick for something stupid he's done or for the old decrepit dog still shedding hair all over the carpet. So, just to give a little back of what i get - i left the vacuum in the middle of the lounge room for Matt to see when he went to watch tv - no doubt when i go out, it'll be left somewhere stupid, like in the middle of the kitchen for me to move. At least it'll be amusing :-D Never a dull moment in this relationship that's for sure.

Well, since my butt is getting numb i should stop feeding this man's ego about how funny he can be (rarely), and go get ready to crawl into my warm bed. I'm sure there'll come another moment of stupidity from this house before too long. Until then....