Winter

It's so cold here lately. Not so cold that i wish it was summer (i prefer winter) but cold enough that u need a blanket when watching tv and having children climbing all over u is a bonus for keeping u warm and not annoying.

I love a cold pillow under my head but hate the freezing sheets as i crawl into bed. Here i have this big bed to keep warm on my lonesome. Plenty of room to spread out which makes it all worthwhile.

At least sleep is easier when it's cooler weather. Speaking of which i better get some. I'll post again soon hopefully

Relationships

I don't have a perfect relationship. Far from it actually. We fight (at least every weekend) and no matter How many times i try to talk to him He's not listening. This relationship is so one sided. Its always me making him food, getting him drinks, washing his clothes etc not once does He do those things for me at home. The other nite we went out and for the whole hour and a half we were waiting for our dinner we walked around doing What He wanted. No matter How many times i said i felt sick and needed to sit outside, He didn't want to. So we kept walking. I didn't want to nag (apparently i already nag too much) so i shut up and soldiered on.

If There's anything i need or want He's always quick to say no. Sometimes i don't know why i bother wanting anything. It's like a starving child in a 3rd world country. Why bother wanting food when ur not getting it anyway.

I just want a relationship where I'm appreciated. I want to be told How much i mean to him, that He thinks I'm beautiful, etc. It's not too much to ask for surely. Obviously though it is for me. I only seem to attract the type of guy who wants to boss me around, treat me like rubbish and still expect me to be here tomorrow. I'm stubborn and keep trying and trying because i love him but one day Its just not going to be enough anymore.

Crazy in love

After chatting to Matt today i realise I'm more in love with him than ever before. I hate that He's not here. It feels like a bit piece of my heart is missing. I never imagined my heart could love this much (besides my kids).

When is it time to stop trying?

When comes the point where you stop trying with friends that just can't be bothered with you? I will be the first to admit that I'm a pretty shocking friend at times, but i do try to make an effort so people don't start to feel pushed aside or forgotten.

Is it better to keep your mouth shut and not bother or do you keep trying over and over and over again? When is enough really enough?

I get told not to cut certain people out of my life because it'll only cause drama but i don't get why some people should know What's happening in my life if they aren't really 'friends' of mine. I don't trust many people these days as they only seem to bitch about others, or pretend to be your friend to gather information or just be a nosey parker.

I kinda figure that even if you've been friends for a long time sometimes people drift apart and the friendship just isn't there anymore. So when do you call an end to it? When do you give up and stop trying?

i hate it

i hate that He's not here. I hate that i can't talk to him on the phone. I hate that i can't feel his arms around me. I hate the lost feeling i get when He's not here. I hate that our weekend together just wasn't long enough. Mostly i hate that it had to end at all.

i'd scream from the rooftop just How much He means to me if it would stop people from being so sceptical about us. He's my world, the only person i want laying beside me Each and every nite for the rest of my life.

that day my friend Lisa messaged me saying she knew a guy that would be perfect for me, i didn't believe it for a second. Nearly 5 months later, i couldn't have been more wrong. My life changed the minute i saw him walk towards me. My heart skipped a beat and i knew there was nothing more i wanted at that moment than him. I can't begin to describe How elated i was when He told me He loved me for the first time. I didn't want to fall in love again but i was already falling. I was falling hard and fast.

i love you Matt. You'll forever hold my heart.

Wanna know how I really feel?

while u were away u were all i could think of. My heart broke not having u here to talk to or hug. We barely spoke at all until our half hour phone call Each nite which half the time ended in us disagreeing. I was so excited all day knowing that tonite i would see u and be able to hug u even if Its just for 2 nites. The only time u seemed happy once u got home was the first few minutes when u gave me a hug and a kiss them u had ur first dig at me about being on the computer as usual. I'm hardly on the computer! Then u had another dig saying kailee's always sick. Cut the poor kid a break. I didn't ask about gladstone so u were sh!tty. No matter What i Did it was wrong and pissed u off. Kailee's having nightmares and u think she's getting them from reading the bible. For goodness sake. I love u more than u could ever comprehend but i can't keep being treated like this. You say u love me but this isn't love. This is hurtful. I'm not claiming to be perfect, I'm sure There's times i hurt u too but it can't be this often. I feel like u didn't want to come home and only Did it cuz u had to. U haven't been happy since u've been back and no matter How much i try nothing changes that. You said i didn't trust u while u were away - my god i have never trusted anyone more than i trust u. I've never gone out of my way so much for someone before. I wonder if u'd even care if i left. I don't think it would bother u either way. There'll always be another girl eventually that will worship the ground u walk on. At least u wouldn't be left to raise someone else's "trophies". It breaks my heart that only yesterday i was telling a friend that ur the one i want to settle down with and one day marry and tonite I've thought leaving. I can't take much more of this. I'm not ur slave I'm not ur mum, I'm ur girlfriend. The love of ur life supposedly.