Why do we care so much about what other people think? Does their opinion really matter all that much?
Most of my life I've been worried about what other people think of me. Whether I'm doing something they dislike etc but this year i figure screw it! It's about time i start doing what "I" want and not what other people think i should do. I've come to the realisation that some people will always be judgemental and criticise those around them. I've chosen to not let it get to me. This is my life and I'm the one who deals with the consequences should i make a bad decision. I'll learn from it and move on, i always do. I have some amazing supportive friends that are there for me, through the good and the bad decisions in my life, without fail i know i can lean on them if i need to. But it's the negative people that can't help but pick at something your doing, and tell you they think you're crazy or shouldn't be doing it.
At the end of the day, my decisions only really affect myself and my children. And of course whoever else is involved at the time. Don't get me wrong, i'm not about to go out and start making split second decisions, without first giving it some thought. I'm not living that much on the edge, i just figure i'm going to stop worrying about what other people think and say and just do things because I want to and feel its the right thing for me right now. It might all fail and i'll come crashing back down and have to pick myself up, or it could all work out and i'll be glad i did it. Only time will tell :-) Now it's time to think about me, and less about everyone else.
Monday 28 March 2011
Sunday 20 March 2011
One of them weeks
Have you ever had one of them weeks where nothing goes right, no matter how hard you try? That would be me this week. No matter what I do or how hard I try, everything sucks. Everyone that knows me, knows that I’m not a negative, down in the dumps kind of person… rarely am I ever like this, but there’s been so much crap that’s been piled on me this past week, I’ve crumbled under the pressure. I try to be positive, but that’s not working. Everything keeps going wrong.
Firstly, the drama with my mother and sister. I guess it’d been building for a while and my best friend and her husband have known exactly how much I’d been holding back and been walked over… they were amazed I hadn’t broken before now. Then there’s been money dramas, I’ve got bills coming out of everywhere and considering moving house soon, I’m somehow going to have to find more money to do that. I started burning dinner tonight as I walked away for only a minute – thankfully the smoke alarm didn’t start blaring crazily. I made cupcakes tonight for Kailee’s school lunches and they didn’t even cook completely, I made the icing and put too much milk in it and had to fix that too. Kailee was STILL awake an hour past bedtime, telling me she couldn’t go to sleep – Um, maybe if you didn’t keep coming out of your bed Miss Muffet you would be sleeping lol. Xavier had gotten onto the computer while I was making dinner and pressed goodness knows what and my screen wouldn’t work. Well it was working, but once Windows had loaded, all I could see what a plain black screen unless i was in Safe Mode. After stressing for a while and not wanting to even be near the computer, I did a system restore from safe mode and thankfully my computer is back to normal *phew*. And as I’m typing this, Xavier has woken up and is crying from his bed. For the past few days he’s been sleeping right through the night without waking and crying. *sigh* Poor Matt is sick too at the moment and I feel like there’s nothing I can do to help. I feel useless. He hasn’t been his happy self and I try not to take it personally if he seems annoyed at me for something as trivial as talking while he’s watching TV. I haven’t seen much of him this weekend but hopefully he’s feeling better soon and we’ll get some quality time to spend together. (I <3 u hunni!!)
My amazing best friend, Serena has been worrying about how I’ve been coping, I guess because she can’t be close by. It’s times like these I feel that void that being away from her leaves…. but we’re only a phone call apart. I can tell her anything, everything. I know she worries about some things I unload on her when we talk, and I try to tell her I’m ok, but she doesn’t buy it. She knows when something just isn’t right. She’s been there for the good times in my life and she’s been there to see me crash and burn. Her dedication never fails. She’s the one person I can rely on and know that she’s always going to be there when I need her. I don’t want her to worry, but I know she does it because she cares. So after talking on the phone tonight and having her literally nearly wet herself laughing at how much of an epic fail my cooking was, I’m feeling a little bit better. (Let me just say, I can cook, usually lol For some reason though, tonight no matter what I tried, it sucked.)
So here’s hoping when I finally crawl into bed tonight all the disappointments from this past week will be gone and I’ll wake up with a more positive outlook on a new week
One can only hope anyway.
Firstly, the drama with my mother and sister. I guess it’d been building for a while and my best friend and her husband have known exactly how much I’d been holding back and been walked over… they were amazed I hadn’t broken before now. Then there’s been money dramas, I’ve got bills coming out of everywhere and considering moving house soon, I’m somehow going to have to find more money to do that. I started burning dinner tonight as I walked away for only a minute – thankfully the smoke alarm didn’t start blaring crazily. I made cupcakes tonight for Kailee’s school lunches and they didn’t even cook completely, I made the icing and put too much milk in it and had to fix that too. Kailee was STILL awake an hour past bedtime, telling me she couldn’t go to sleep – Um, maybe if you didn’t keep coming out of your bed Miss Muffet you would be sleeping lol. Xavier had gotten onto the computer while I was making dinner and pressed goodness knows what and my screen wouldn’t work. Well it was working, but once Windows had loaded, all I could see what a plain black screen unless i was in Safe Mode. After stressing for a while and not wanting to even be near the computer, I did a system restore from safe mode and thankfully my computer is back to normal *phew*. And as I’m typing this, Xavier has woken up and is crying from his bed. For the past few days he’s been sleeping right through the night without waking and crying. *sigh* Poor Matt is sick too at the moment and I feel like there’s nothing I can do to help. I feel useless. He hasn’t been his happy self and I try not to take it personally if he seems annoyed at me for something as trivial as talking while he’s watching TV. I haven’t seen much of him this weekend but hopefully he’s feeling better soon and we’ll get some quality time to spend together. (I <3 u hunni!!)
My amazing best friend, Serena has been worrying about how I’ve been coping, I guess because she can’t be close by. It’s times like these I feel that void that being away from her leaves…. but we’re only a phone call apart. I can tell her anything, everything. I know she worries about some things I unload on her when we talk, and I try to tell her I’m ok, but she doesn’t buy it. She knows when something just isn’t right. She’s been there for the good times in my life and she’s been there to see me crash and burn. Her dedication never fails. She’s the one person I can rely on and know that she’s always going to be there when I need her. I don’t want her to worry, but I know she does it because she cares. So after talking on the phone tonight and having her literally nearly wet herself laughing at how much of an epic fail my cooking was, I’m feeling a little bit better. (Let me just say, I can cook, usually lol For some reason though, tonight no matter what I tried, it sucked.)
So here’s hoping when I finally crawl into bed tonight all the disappointments from this past week will be gone and I’ll wake up with a more positive outlook on a new week
One can only hope anyway.
A new look and new name
Since my attitude to pretty much everything has changed over the past few months, i felt my blog needed a new look - and a new name, now "Loved by Three". I even decided to go through all the messing around that goes with getting my own webpage and uploading my blog to it. Now that was a task and a half. While i've known a little about html and css coding, i've certainly learnt a bunch more over the past 2 or 3 days. Here i was (crazily) thinking it would be a piece of cake, and now i have learnt there is ALOT of tweaking involved. I'm mentally exhausted now lol. Google has become my best friend through this whole process and i have surely become more appreciative of those nerdy guys and girls that get paid to create webpages for people and businesses. This stuff is over my head!!
Anyhow, hopefully everyone likes the new look and the new name. I'm off to find fun and exciting things to blog about. xx
Anyhow, hopefully everyone likes the new look and the new name. I'm off to find fun and exciting things to blog about. xx
Friday 18 March 2011
I have legs!
I have always known that i have legs, but now i can feel it. Every little move i make hurts. Its been about 2yrs since i last went to the gym so my first session back on Thursday was a killer. I knew I'd feel it afterwards, but oh my goodness, i feel pain in places i didn't remember could hurt. My arms, legs, knees n even chest hurts. No pain no gain right? I swear i don't even feel this sore after 2 nights of zumba. Walking down just a couple of steps is now a horrendous task. I know it'll be good after a couple of weeks at the gym and i won't be feeling nearly as bad as i do now, but at this point i'd like to stay in bed until my muscles stop hurting.
I have such great intentions of going back and working my butt off again on Monday so i really hope my legs are feeling a little less sore. It'll be interesting to see how Xavier copes in the childminding - poor little guy hates being away from him Mummy.
I have such great intentions of going back and working my butt off again on Monday so i really hope my legs are feeling a little less sore. It'll be interesting to see how Xavier copes in the childminding - poor little guy hates being away from him Mummy.
Wednesday 16 March 2011
And the childishness continues...
Most people who know me know that i come from a large family, while my mother had 3 kids my dad had 11. So my previous post about family could have meant either of my 5 sisters...i have no need to mention names, or to be spiteful in that manner. I'm trying to be the mature adult here since no one else seems to be at the moment.
My house phone rang at 11.50pm last nite while both the kids and i were sleeping. The answering machine kicked in and the caller (forementioned family member) nastily demanded i call them back. Not at this hour i won't. I text back n said my 2 kids were sleeping and not to call again at this hour. So what does this person do? Calls my mobile. Telling me to take down one of my blogs or I'll be in trouble with the police for defamation. For starters hunni, i didn't once mention ur name and i doubt they'll care about little me's blog. Again, she accuses me of lying, n carries on like a complete bogan even going as far as to threaten to come around and punch me in the face. Yeah, like that's real mature.
It's no wonder i want nothing to do with them and want to protect my kids from being exposed to that. I used to think my family was pretty awesome, now i see its just messed up. I'm above all that crap though and won't let it drag me down. My life is too good at the moment to let a select few ruin it for me.
My house phone rang at 11.50pm last nite while both the kids and i were sleeping. The answering machine kicked in and the caller (forementioned family member) nastily demanded i call them back. Not at this hour i won't. I text back n said my 2 kids were sleeping and not to call again at this hour. So what does this person do? Calls my mobile. Telling me to take down one of my blogs or I'll be in trouble with the police for defamation. For starters hunni, i didn't once mention ur name and i doubt they'll care about little me's blog. Again, she accuses me of lying, n carries on like a complete bogan even going as far as to threaten to come around and punch me in the face. Yeah, like that's real mature.
It's no wonder i want nothing to do with them and want to protect my kids from being exposed to that. I used to think my family was pretty awesome, now i see its just messed up. I'm above all that crap though and won't let it drag me down. My life is too good at the moment to let a select few ruin it for me.
Tuesday 15 March 2011
Family - or lack thereof
fam·i·ly
* any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins
______________________________________
I'm so over my family. Over the years there has been nothing but drama - backstabbing, fighting, bitching, judging, criticising, etc. Last night, I had enough. After confiding in my mother about my sister's extra-curricular activities, she went back and told my sister what I had said - except she put her own spin on what I had actually said. So last night my sister went off the deep end about something I had apparently said to mum, which wasn't true at all. Now if there's one thing I cannot stand my children being exposed to, it's arguments. I do not like anyone yelling, screaming and carrying on in front of them, and usually if I am going to argue with someone, I will take it to another room so they don't have to see or hear all that hostility. This time though, they saw everything. I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't hold back either. I was so angry that what I had said was twisted around, I yelled and I screamed. I was furious! I haven't been this mad in a long time. So I had my sister yelling at me, then mum was yelling at me and it was just going back and forwards - I told them I wanted to leave. Mum could either take me home or I would walk with the kids. Either way, I was leaving. My sister told me that I could walk and the kids would stay there.... Um, I don't think so!
.
So, I made the decision that if they can disrespect me in front of my kids like that, then they have no regard for my children and don't deserve the right to be in our lives. We don't need this crap. For too long I have dealt with being treated like rubbish (don't get me wrong though, I do my fair share of treating other people like crap too), and yet still helping them out with money and being there for everyone. Now I've had enough. I'm sick of being hurt and feeling like I can't rely on my family when it really counts. I'm sick of feeling let down when they say they can help and never follow through on it.
After telling them to stay out of my life and leave me alone, I get nasty text messages from my mother on my mobile. Then I get nasty Facebook messages from her. Then she makes horrible comments on my best friend, Serena's Facebook page. I could ignore all this childishness until she made the comment to Serena.... that was below the belt. It was directed at something so personal, something that was none of anyone's business. I was so mad I had to walk away from the computer, away from my phone, just so that i wouldn't call my mother or send her a message and tell her just what I really thought of her. I went and did some baking, I hung out the washing..... the anger just wouldn't go away. I messaged my mother and told her she was out of line and needed to remove her comment and quickly before Serena's family (and more importantly, Serena's brother) saw it. Unfortunately, he had already read it - but was mature about it and didn't give her the satisfaction of replying. (You're awesome Chris!!)
As my day went on, I got a few more text messages saying how low I am for getting my friends to attack her (WTF!?!) and how nasty I am. I told her to stop texting me. So far I haven't received anymore messages - thank goodness. Now hopefully I can get on with my night. At least I know I can work off some frustration and stress at my Zumba class tonight. I'm so amazed at how childish some people can be.... I'm over playing nice now though. I'm not going to be walked all over or treated like crap anymore.... it's time I stand up for myself and fight back.
Monday 14 March 2011
I've said it all before, but...
...I seriously have the most amazing boyfriend!! I'm pretty sure when I tell him that though, it has no effect on him.... he's probably like "Did you only just work this out? I've known like, forever." It won't stop me from telling him though. :-P The more I know about him, the more I fall in love. He's so unlike anyone I've ever been out with - he's driven, he's passionate, he's funny, he's outspoken, he's sensitive (but shhh, don't tell anyone!) and he's thoughtful. When I'm having a crappy day, just seeing him makes me feel better. He has helped me realise that some people just aren't worth all the time I give them and I've stopped being such a pushover when it comes to helping people.
He's restored my faith in love and he's teaching me that I can let someone in emotionally without worrying that I'm going to get hurt. He's teaching me that it's okay to ask him for help - I don't have to try to do it all on my own. He's taught me that I should look forward to the future - plan stuff and make it happen, not just live for here and now. He's showed me what it's like to be loved and to be treated right for once. He's showed me what it feels like to be truly happy.
I'm not worried about what the future may hold anymore, I'm eagerly awaiting it. The kids and I couldn't be happier at the moment, and I'm excited to see what could be just around the corner. It's even more exciting to think that this is a journey I don't have to do on my own anymore, I have someone incredible to venture along with me and that's makes it all the more worthwhile. I can see myself settling down and being incredibly happy with Matt and the kids..... but I don't want to jinx anything. So I'm looking toward our future together. At times I still have a wall up around me, out of fear of getting hurt again, but slowly it's coming down, brick by brick. :-)
I love you, Matt <3
He's restored my faith in love and he's teaching me that I can let someone in emotionally without worrying that I'm going to get hurt. He's teaching me that it's okay to ask him for help - I don't have to try to do it all on my own. He's taught me that I should look forward to the future - plan stuff and make it happen, not just live for here and now. He's showed me what it's like to be loved and to be treated right for once. He's showed me what it feels like to be truly happy.
I'm not worried about what the future may hold anymore, I'm eagerly awaiting it. The kids and I couldn't be happier at the moment, and I'm excited to see what could be just around the corner. It's even more exciting to think that this is a journey I don't have to do on my own anymore, I have someone incredible to venture along with me and that's makes it all the more worthwhile. I can see myself settling down and being incredibly happy with Matt and the kids..... but I don't want to jinx anything. So I'm looking toward our future together. At times I still have a wall up around me, out of fear of getting hurt again, but slowly it's coming down, brick by brick. :-)
I love you, Matt <3
Looking back
Last night, while talking on the phone to my best friend, Serena, trying to find a photo from my baby shower when I was pregnant with my son Xavier I came across some photos that seriously need deleting. You know the photos of people you forgot you had, and then happen to stumble across. I had one of these moments tonight when I found a photo of my ex and something along the lines of "WTF was I thinking?!" came out of my mouth. Serena didn't have to say anything, I already knew what she was thinking - this was something she'd already asked herself AND me a couple of years ago. I quickly deleted the 2 shocking photos that were quickly ruining all the other photos of Kailee's 4th birthday party - and have decided that I seriously need to go through all of my photos and delete any and all photos of him that I have, that don't include Kailee.
With the exception of my son, nothing good came out of that time in my life. I was miserable and too weak to admit that I needed to leave, let alone actually walk out. At the time I thought I was in love and happy but looking back, I wasn't happy at all and I don't think I really knew what love was. I was naive and believed things too easily, and soon found myself on my own again with Kailee, and pregnant with Xavier. I was a mess and it took me a while to pick myself back up and start rebuilding my life. Those people close to me had front row seats to the mess that was my life and although they tried to help, it was up to me to fix things for myself. It took time and a lot of it. I didn't know if I could ever trust someone with my heart again.... but looking back now, I can see it all played a part in moulding the person I am now. Although my life is back together, the cracks are still there - but they show character and I'm happy to say, my heart now belongs to someone amazing. But that's another blog again....
With the exception of my son, nothing good came out of that time in my life. I was miserable and too weak to admit that I needed to leave, let alone actually walk out. At the time I thought I was in love and happy but looking back, I wasn't happy at all and I don't think I really knew what love was. I was naive and believed things too easily, and soon found myself on my own again with Kailee, and pregnant with Xavier. I was a mess and it took me a while to pick myself back up and start rebuilding my life. Those people close to me had front row seats to the mess that was my life and although they tried to help, it was up to me to fix things for myself. It took time and a lot of it. I didn't know if I could ever trust someone with my heart again.... but looking back now, I can see it all played a part in moulding the person I am now. Although my life is back together, the cracks are still there - but they show character and I'm happy to say, my heart now belongs to someone amazing. But that's another blog again....
Tuesday 8 March 2011
Hopefully the end
So my crazy neighbour came over tonight, well she sent her 10yr old brother over to collect her Wii fit board that was at my house. I politely told him (after her just walked into my house without knocking) that if she would like it, she could come pick it up herself. Only moments later, she came through the gate demanding to get her Wii board back, i told her i had no issue with returning it but would like to discuss when she planned on replacing Xavier's Christmas present that her son fell on and broke. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was part of his main present and he absolutely loved it. It was a toy mower that he pushed around outside, it came with his trike and trailer. She told me she was a week behind in her rent so i politely told her that wasnt my issue and since this toy was broken a couple of months ago, maybe she could give me the money to buy a replacement. She told me that they only cost $15 and when i asked if she'd given that to me she again told me she was a week behind in rent. That's seriously not my problem, love. So i grabbed her Wii board and told her not to worry about replacing the mower as i knew at the end of the day, i'm a better person that she ever will be. I just wanted to slap her. She only came to get it then cuz my friend Tony was here i bet and she's still hung up on him and cant just let it go. She's an idiot!
I'll be so glad when i move from here, and get far away from these kinds of people. They're bogans and sad sad people.
I'll be so glad when i move from here, and get far away from these kinds of people. They're bogans and sad sad people.
Friday 4 March 2011
Fake friends, no more
One thing that really bothers me is people who pretend to be your friend when they are really only friends with you, in order to gain something for themselves. Last week i went through my Facebook friends list and deleted all the people in my life that 1. I don't talk to enough to share my 'life' with them online; and 2. are only around when they want something from me, but are nowhere to be seen when I need something. I'm a pretty independent person and will rarely ask for help, or anything really. If I can't do something for myself, then I'll swallow my pride and ask for help. It's something I hate doing, so I'll avoid it if I can.
I don't get how some people though are so comfortable in asking for help from everyone around them. Does it just become so much of a habit, that it comes as naturally as breathing? Do they realise how sad and pathetic it makes them look?
A year ago I became friends with this girl who was a lot like me. Single mum with 2 kids, living on her own etc and we got along great, I thought we'd be really good friends as we had much the same experiences in life and the same attitude when it come to drama, experiences etc. That was until she seemed to only ever visit when she needed help with something on the computer, she needed me to print something out for her sister or she needed to use the phone to contact her ex or sort out some centrelink/child support issue. Months and months went by without seeing each other (we only live a few houses down from one another) and she made a comment to me about catching up. I told her that would be nice as I only ever seemed to see her when she needed something like using the phone, net or a babysitter. I don't think she believed me lol. I'd invite her over and wait at home for her to show up, and she wouldn't. So I stopped waiting. I stopped making the effort and not surprisingly, she didn't make an effort either. If we see each other in town we'll stop and do the whole "hi, how are you? how's the kids? what's been happening?" spiel and then go about our own business. If she drives or walks past we'll half-heartedly wave at one another. Nothing sincere, realistically we're not friends. Friends are there for one another.... friendship is like any relationship - it's a 2 way street of give AND take. Not just one of them. I'm not distraught over the friendship lost, there wasn't much there to begin with, and I'm over the whole pretending. I'm over being soft and letting people walk all over me, so now I've cut ties with friendships that have only ever been one way streets. I don't need them.
Probably even worse would have to be my neighbours, I have gone above and beyond to help them out. Struggling single mums as well, I've looked after their kids so they could do shopping, work out stuff with their ex, have a quiet nite to themselves, cooked them dinner when I knew they were short on food, loaned them money, bought them groceries if they needed it before payday and even let them use my washing machine for months, since they didn't have one. And all i got out of it was a big fat nothing. I don't expect anything back for helping people - I like helping!! - but a simple Thank You would be fantastic!! In all honesty, I haven't heard a single "Hello" or "Lets catch up for coffee" like I used to nearly everyday.... now they have their new washing machine, they have no need for me. *shrugs* Oh well, no great loss for me. At least now I don't have the kids coming over (almost daily) asking to borrow something, or to record some show on tv, or to use the net. I'm free and don't feel obliged to help them. If they struggle now, they have one less person to lean on.... because I won't be there next time. My life seems so relaxed now - less drama, less bitching, less stress.
I'm sure I probably still have a few people in my life still that are pushing the limits of our friendship.... and with time they too may find themselves with one less friend. I'm not bothered though, I have my own rubbish to deal with and I don't need half-assed friends dragging me into their dramas. I feel mostly relieved though that I have weaned these kinds of people out of my life though, I should've done it a long time ago.
I don't get how some people though are so comfortable in asking for help from everyone around them. Does it just become so much of a habit, that it comes as naturally as breathing? Do they realise how sad and pathetic it makes them look?
A year ago I became friends with this girl who was a lot like me. Single mum with 2 kids, living on her own etc and we got along great, I thought we'd be really good friends as we had much the same experiences in life and the same attitude when it come to drama, experiences etc. That was until she seemed to only ever visit when she needed help with something on the computer, she needed me to print something out for her sister or she needed to use the phone to contact her ex or sort out some centrelink/child support issue. Months and months went by without seeing each other (we only live a few houses down from one another) and she made a comment to me about catching up. I told her that would be nice as I only ever seemed to see her when she needed something like using the phone, net or a babysitter. I don't think she believed me lol. I'd invite her over and wait at home for her to show up, and she wouldn't. So I stopped waiting. I stopped making the effort and not surprisingly, she didn't make an effort either. If we see each other in town we'll stop and do the whole "hi, how are you? how's the kids? what's been happening?" spiel and then go about our own business. If she drives or walks past we'll half-heartedly wave at one another. Nothing sincere, realistically we're not friends. Friends are there for one another.... friendship is like any relationship - it's a 2 way street of give AND take. Not just one of them. I'm not distraught over the friendship lost, there wasn't much there to begin with, and I'm over the whole pretending. I'm over being soft and letting people walk all over me, so now I've cut ties with friendships that have only ever been one way streets. I don't need them.
Probably even worse would have to be my neighbours, I have gone above and beyond to help them out. Struggling single mums as well, I've looked after their kids so they could do shopping, work out stuff with their ex, have a quiet nite to themselves, cooked them dinner when I knew they were short on food, loaned them money, bought them groceries if they needed it before payday and even let them use my washing machine for months, since they didn't have one. And all i got out of it was a big fat nothing. I don't expect anything back for helping people - I like helping!! - but a simple Thank You would be fantastic!! In all honesty, I haven't heard a single "Hello" or "Lets catch up for coffee" like I used to nearly everyday.... now they have their new washing machine, they have no need for me. *shrugs* Oh well, no great loss for me. At least now I don't have the kids coming over (almost daily) asking to borrow something, or to record some show on tv, or to use the net. I'm free and don't feel obliged to help them. If they struggle now, they have one less person to lean on.... because I won't be there next time. My life seems so relaxed now - less drama, less bitching, less stress.
I'm sure I probably still have a few people in my life still that are pushing the limits of our friendship.... and with time they too may find themselves with one less friend. I'm not bothered though, I have my own rubbish to deal with and I don't need half-assed friends dragging me into their dramas. I feel mostly relieved though that I have weaned these kinds of people out of my life though, I should've done it a long time ago.
Wednesday 2 March 2011
On the road to skinny-er.
I don't want to look like a stick insect, but i sure would like to look a little less frumpy than i do right now. I still want to have curves, but less flab. I've come to realise there are some saggy bits that i prolly will never get rid of, but i can surely try to make them a little less horrific lol. I feel so much better now i'm getting my butt into gear and doing something. It's been years since i've been to the gym or done anything more than just walking in the afternoons. Hopefully all this effort will pay off and i'll see my chunky bits disappearing :-)
I'm joining the gym in the not too distant future, walking a couple of laps around the park with a friend (approx 3.2km each lap), walking with my other friend in the afternoons and Zumba 2 nights a week. I may just start to like all this exercising..... now to keep it up and get that weight off. I'd idealistically like to lost at least 20kgs (maybe 30 if i can push it), but it's gonna take a shitload of hard work. Now to knuckle down and get it done. *sigh* It's great being able to do it with friends tho, we can push each other and keep each other from slackening off.
For now tho, my body hurts. After doing my first session of Zumba last nite, and another one tonite (but a bit more full on), i'm definitely feeling it. My back, tummy and legs hurt. It's a good pain tho, i know i will appreciate it if the scales tell me i'm losing those kgs. So far i am already 16kgs down from when i was pregnant with Xavier, 8kgs less than my pre-pregnancy (with Xavier) weight, and about 5kgs heavier than my pre-preg weight with Kailee. It's been a couple of years (when i was going to the gym for 12mths) since i got down into the 80-something kilos. So here's hoping to get get back down to that and even get into the 70's. It's a good plan for now anyway. Baby steps tho.... maybe i'll start with losing 5kgs to begin with :-)
I'm joining the gym in the not too distant future, walking a couple of laps around the park with a friend (approx 3.2km each lap), walking with my other friend in the afternoons and Zumba 2 nights a week. I may just start to like all this exercising..... now to keep it up and get that weight off. I'd idealistically like to lost at least 20kgs (maybe 30 if i can push it), but it's gonna take a shitload of hard work. Now to knuckle down and get it done. *sigh* It's great being able to do it with friends tho, we can push each other and keep each other from slackening off.
For now tho, my body hurts. After doing my first session of Zumba last nite, and another one tonite (but a bit more full on), i'm definitely feeling it. My back, tummy and legs hurt. It's a good pain tho, i know i will appreciate it if the scales tell me i'm losing those kgs. So far i am already 16kgs down from when i was pregnant with Xavier, 8kgs less than my pre-pregnancy (with Xavier) weight, and about 5kgs heavier than my pre-preg weight with Kailee. It's been a couple of years (when i was going to the gym for 12mths) since i got down into the 80-something kilos. So here's hoping to get get back down to that and even get into the 70's. It's a good plan for now anyway. Baby steps tho.... maybe i'll start with losing 5kgs to begin with :-)
Tuesday 1 March 2011
Avoiding that self-sabotage
Sometimes i struggle to deal with changes in my life. I'm a little OCD about, well everything. I like to control things around me, and it's quite an adjustment to let someone else take the reigns and be in control. All too often my life seemed to constantly travel down the same roads, over and over again. Let me give you an example. Most of my past relationships have been very 'physical' from the beginning, whether i was with someone overly affectionate (which drove me crazy) or started out based on sex and kind of evolved from there into something more - that over time, crashed and burned. I have the worst track history when it comes to relationships - and that's pretty obvious for everyone to see. I'm usually the one who gets cheated on or left high and dry thinking the relationship was ok, when it really wasn't from the other person's POV (point of view). Maybe i'm just naive or delirious - or maybe both?!
So it's somewhat refreshing to be in a relationship that isn't fast tracked on the road to "lets get it on". I won't lie and say i don't think about it, or sometimes want it, cuz well, i do. But i'm comfortable with the pace things are going at, and being able to spend time with Matt is what makes me happy. Even when we're watching some lame car show (sorry hunni), going out for dinner or spending time with the kids. It's nice having someone who will listen to my crazy stories, someone who will laugh when i recount some crazy things the kids did or said to me, or just having someone to say they love or miss you at the end of a long day. I'm still getting used to this whole relationship thing.... it's hard after 2 years of being on my own having to remember to consider someone else other than just me and the kids. I'm not complaining though, it's nice having Matt around :-) I look forward to the days i see him, and feel gutted when he then tells me he can't come around because he has other stuff to do. I get over it though, eventually lol.
A friend told me the other week that i tend to "self-sabotage" my relationships and have done for as long as he's known me (nearly 12yrs). While i don't think i have self-sabotaged every relationship i've been in, it's probably true for at least some of them. I'll take part responsibility for some of my relationships falling apart, but i do think there was at least 2 relationships i tried my hardest to hang onto and make work - i obviously didn't do something right, or maybe it was just that i was with a knob. I won't take responsibility for being cheated on, when i thought i was doing the best i could at home to keep my man happy at home. It all boils down to the fact that this relationship just wasn't meant to work, and although i was the one with a broken heart at the end of it, it's made me the person i am today. Now i just have to not self-sabotage this relationship i'm in and see where it goes.....
So it's somewhat refreshing to be in a relationship that isn't fast tracked on the road to "lets get it on". I won't lie and say i don't think about it, or sometimes want it, cuz well, i do. But i'm comfortable with the pace things are going at, and being able to spend time with Matt is what makes me happy. Even when we're watching some lame car show (sorry hunni), going out for dinner or spending time with the kids. It's nice having someone who will listen to my crazy stories, someone who will laugh when i recount some crazy things the kids did or said to me, or just having someone to say they love or miss you at the end of a long day. I'm still getting used to this whole relationship thing.... it's hard after 2 years of being on my own having to remember to consider someone else other than just me and the kids. I'm not complaining though, it's nice having Matt around :-) I look forward to the days i see him, and feel gutted when he then tells me he can't come around because he has other stuff to do. I get over it though, eventually lol.
A friend told me the other week that i tend to "self-sabotage" my relationships and have done for as long as he's known me (nearly 12yrs). While i don't think i have self-sabotaged every relationship i've been in, it's probably true for at least some of them. I'll take part responsibility for some of my relationships falling apart, but i do think there was at least 2 relationships i tried my hardest to hang onto and make work - i obviously didn't do something right, or maybe it was just that i was with a knob. I won't take responsibility for being cheated on, when i thought i was doing the best i could at home to keep my man happy at home. It all boils down to the fact that this relationship just wasn't meant to work, and although i was the one with a broken heart at the end of it, it's made me the person i am today. Now i just have to not self-sabotage this relationship i'm in and see where it goes.....
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