Sometimes i struggle to deal with changes in my life. I'm a little OCD about, well everything. I like to control things around me, and it's quite an adjustment to let someone else take the reigns and be in control. All too often my life seemed to constantly travel down the same roads, over and over again. Let me give you an example. Most of my past relationships have been very 'physical' from the beginning, whether i was with someone overly affectionate (which drove me crazy) or started out based on sex and kind of evolved from there into something more - that over time, crashed and burned. I have the worst track history when it comes to relationships - and that's pretty obvious for everyone to see. I'm usually the one who gets cheated on or left high and dry thinking the relationship was ok, when it really wasn't from the other person's POV (point of view). Maybe i'm just naive or delirious - or maybe both?!
So it's somewhat refreshing to be in a relationship that isn't fast tracked on the road to "lets get it on". I won't lie and say i don't think about it, or sometimes want it, cuz well, i do. But i'm comfortable with the pace things are going at, and being able to spend time with Matt is what makes me happy. Even when we're watching some lame car show (sorry hunni), going out for dinner or spending time with the kids. It's nice having someone who will listen to my crazy stories, someone who will laugh when i recount some crazy things the kids did or said to me, or just having someone to say they love or miss you at the end of a long day. I'm still getting used to this whole relationship thing.... it's hard after 2 years of being on my own having to remember to consider someone else other than just me and the kids. I'm not complaining though, it's nice having Matt around :-) I look forward to the days i see him, and feel gutted when he then tells me he can't come around because he has other stuff to do. I get over it though, eventually lol.
A friend told me the other week that i tend to "self-sabotage" my relationships and have done for as long as he's known me (nearly 12yrs). While i don't think i have self-sabotaged every relationship i've been in, it's probably true for at least some of them. I'll take part responsibility for some of my relationships falling apart, but i do think there was at least 2 relationships i tried my hardest to hang onto and make work - i obviously didn't do something right, or maybe it was just that i was with a knob. I won't take responsibility for being cheated on, when i thought i was doing the best i could at home to keep my man happy at home. It all boils down to the fact that this relationship just wasn't meant to work, and although i was the one with a broken heart at the end of it, it's made me the person i am today. Now i just have to not self-sabotage this relationship i'm in and see where it goes.....
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