I miss ... I love

Things I miss in life:
* cuddles in bed
* our cat kleo, she was always affectionate at night
* rainy, movie days
* being content with the simple things in life
* not having to worry about money
* foot massages
* affection
* the days when I didn't have to cook AND do the dishes
* days when my kids didn't fight
* the thrill of a new relationship. The butterflies and giggles.
* random cute messages throughout the day
* late night phone calls with friends
* trashy tv and birth shows on pay tv
* my kids baby giggles and gummy smiles

Things I love in life:
* the smile on my sons face when he wakes up and I open the door as he calls out "breakfast"
* kailee playing with my hair while I lay down
* 4wding. Playing in the mud, crawling over this wonderful land around us
* cooking - tho I hate cleaning the mess
* spending time with the people I love
* having a friend to talk to about anything
* reading. There's nothing like getting lost in a book
* my dogs. They're beautiful and affectionate
* laying under the fan on a warm summer night
* a full night sleep (pretty much near-extinct in my life)
* feeling pampered after a shave and washing my hair. Or a facial n eyebrow wax
*dying my hair blackcurrent
* natural long nails
* jewellery - especially gorgeous rings
* tattoos - I need to design my 8th tattoo
* Matt's family. They are amazing, incredible people who will always be in my heart
* watching my kids play together nicely
* Christmas time - carols, lights, Christmas trees and family time

While some parts of life are lacking, other parts are full to overflowing. Focus on the latter and disappointment never comes :-)

Curvy yes, overweight no

Sometimes (well most of the time) I wonder how the heck people are attracted to overweight partners. Odd thought I know since I'm a bit of a chubby chaser. Now don't get me wrong curvy girls are hot and I have some of the most stunning overweight friends do this has nothing to do with them. I'm just thinking in general (and maybe a little about me).

What makes an overweight person attractive? Do people with overweight partners find certain chunky bits a turn off? I'm just thinking cuz I seriously have the worst, jelly fat legs. That cannot be sexy, ever! Or the chunky cellulite butt. Tuckshop lady arms that jiggle when waving. Double (or more) chins. The list goes on.

It's crazy cuz I actually weigh less now than when I was withy ex and yet feel worse about my body. I'm not sure why. I mean obviously being severely overweight is a health risk in itself but why don't I feel confident and love my body like I used to? This body has created 2 beautiful children and nourished them. Why can't I love the effect that has had on my body? If only exercising and dieting and weightloss were easy I wouldn't be asking these preposterous questions of my self. I'd just lose weight and quit bitching. If only it were that simple.

My kids love me regardless of my size. Though my 'nearly 7yo' tells me to call Jenny Craig everytime the ad comes on tv. I know she just wants a healthy mama. It won't happen overnight and it's going to be a huge long process.

So I'm left wondering can you possibly love someone for their personality but not necessarily be attracted to their body and therefore not be affectionate. Surely if you were seriously attracted to someone you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off the other person. Or so I think.

Argh!

First of all let me just state that this post is purely how i "feel" not necessarily how it really is. This is my perception of it, for today anyway.

Some weekends i'd kill for a sleep in. But being the lightest sleeper in the house, i doubt that will ever happen unfortunately. It'd be nice once in a while to just lay in bed and doze back off to sleep after Matt's gotten up to them, organised breakfast etc. I start to think that maybe it's just me that thinks about letting him stay in bed and making him something yummy for breakfast. This morning i ended up on the lounge cuz i just couldn't sleep last nite, getting pushed out of bed, listening to the gruntly and groaning of someone who wanted the bed to oneself. Amazingly the lounge is quite comfy and i was having the nicest sleep until my alarm woke me up (damn you alarm!!) and then there was no turning back. Xavier and Kailee woke up, had breakfast and wanted the tv on. Matt wandered out of bed an hour or so later. Straight outside for a smoke, then lays on the lounge. The usual weekend ritual. I asked if he could organise some breakfast for us (him and I) and i didnt think it would be such a huge task, but its all gone downhill since. He's made himself toast, i started cleaning and we're both snappy at one another. I asked him if we could arrange alternating weekends to sleep in, and he snapped back that he didn't care. Apparently he's not feeling well and doesnt want to have to deal with us right now. Unfortunately, having a family requires you pull your socks up and get on with it at times like this. Logic tells me that if you're in a bad mood, you steer clear of everyone you really don't want to lash out at.

I hate being the scapegoat when there's a bad mood to be had. Somedays i wonder if there's more to being a mum, most days you're overlooked, under appreciated and just plain taken for granted. Rarely, is there a thank you, or a cuddle from someone who acknowledges all the hard work that is done. It really shouldn't be that big of a deal, but sometimes it really gets to me. Am i just supposed to 'accept' it and soldier on?

This weekend was never really off to a good start though, i've got a painful wisdom tooth pushing through and a sore throat from it all. Xavier has finally gotten over being sick and i'm seriously run down. I would love a day where i dont have to cook or clean or run around after someone for most of the day. I just don't see it happening anytime soon. I'm the maid around here, just for everyone's convenience it seems. Maybe tomorrow will be better.... nope, ive got lunches to make, kids to walk to school, swimming lessons, dinner to make, no money to go to Zumba for my 1 child-free hour and plenty of cleaning to do. And yet through all that, be the best girlfriend and mum i possibly can be. It's alot just for one person to have to do alone. Somehow i gotta find a way though. One step at a time. Baby steps.....

Battle of the mind

Lately my head has been all over the place. One minute I'm happy the next minute I'm biting someone's head off. It's hard to explain. I've battled depression for the past 11+ years and somedays it's a harder battle than others. I hate taking a tablet each day to make me feel normal or happy. So instead I exercise, or at least try to. I listen to loud music and I clean. These things usually help. But days like today I just get lost in my own head and want to give up. I'm stressed and completely lose my cool over the smallest things. I feel bad for my family who have to bear the brunt of my bad moods. I don't mean to be psycho but sometimes it unleashes.

Today I snapped at my kids for the stupidest of things - Kailee cried over a ripped homework book and Xavier dropped my laptop. The book is fine, after some minor repairs and the laptop still works, thankfully. Tomorrow is a new day and with it I hope it brings me more patience.

Xavier has been sick at home for the past week and still manages to get into anything and everything. His new fascination is the knife drawer and it scares me seeing him with something so sharp, trying to open a packet of some kind. This boy will certainly send me loopy for the rest of my life. I really need to get some locks put on quick smart. Not a moments peace while he's awake that's for sure.

Most days I know I could try harder, be more than what I am but it just seems so hard and so out of my reach. I'm determined to fight though, I won't give up. Some days I may get a tad lazy and demand a RDO but I'll keep trying. That's about all I can do. I have too much to live for to just surrender and concede defeat.

Look out world, some crazy is on the loose. Positive thinking needs to take over, overcome the negativity and win the battle of my mind. I seriously drive myself insane with the constant back and forwards, from elated to depressed. I just need to make more effort to force some positivity into my head.

So tonight, I think of all the amazing people around me and the most fantastic family I have. It doesn't get much better than this. (well it could but I won't push it!)

Better choices for 2012

It's been so long since I last posted anything I feel kind of lost as to what to write. I'm trying to make some healthier choices for 2012 and need to lose some serious weight. Zumba has started back up again and I've been going Monday and Wednesday nights, sweating my butt off something shocking. No pain no gain (or loss?) right? I gotta say though I feel tonnes better after working out for an hour than I did before I left home. Well maybe except the sore leg and limp I'm so graciously sporting. But I will survive!!

Now the only dilemma is to eat less. Easier said than done though. There's way too much to snack on. I just need to stay focused n dedicated. Disciplined. I can do this and I will. Idealistically my main goal is to lose 21kg and get down to 75kg. (yes, do the math and that makes me 96kg at the moment. Well there abouts).

I seriously should do some before and after shots just to track my progress. I'm lazy though. Maybe tomorrow?