Poor Aileen :-(

Unfortunately, during the night my little sister had to make the decision to turn her son's life support machines off. He had bleeding on his brain and i'm not completely sure of the circumstances, but they made the decision to let him go be with his brother Isaac in heaven.

I cannot imagine the pain and sadness that must be consuming her at the moment, especially having been through this tragedy before. After being able to look at her little boy for 2 days and spend time with him, touching him. I can't beging to fathom having to say goodbye and letting go as a mother. My heart is broken for her and her partner, Anson. This is every parents worst nightmare - especially having to do it not just once, but twice.

I don't know what to do, or say... i know that nothing is going to make it better, or take the pain away for them. I'll try calling her tomorrow just so she knows that she has the support and love around her that she needs, but if she doesnt feel up to talking thats completely understandable. I'm not sure i'd be ready to talk to anyone if i was in her shoes.

I can't believe this has happened again to her. It blows my mind that some ppl recklessly keep having children, knowing the children will have medical issues, or will be born dangerously early.... and fortunately for them, they have wonderful and healthy babies that continue to grow and thrive. The only thing my sister ever wanted was for her son to be okay and for her to not have to go through losing another child.... she'd only told me days ago how scared she was of this happening again. Part of me gets so mad that our family has been through enough this year and to see people in other areas of my life thrive on their own drama.

Over the past 2 years, Aileen has already had to bury her son Isaac; we've lost our little brother Douglas, killed in August this year; our brother Jody is still in jail and now baby Henry has passed away. It's not fair for so much heartache to be dealt to one person. I just want to be there for her, hug her and tell her it's going to be okay. Though it will probably be a long time before any of it feels okay for her.

2011 just plain sucks!!! Other than meeting Matt in January, nothing good has really come from this year and i can't wait for it to be over. Surely it can't get any worse than this?!

R.I.P. Henry John Richardson/Reid
26.11.11 - 28.11.11

Mama's big boy

A week ago i decided to start potty training Xavier and surprisingly He picked it up straight away and hasn't had a single accident. He'll even take his nappy off to wee on the grass lol gotta get him in the big Toilet now! I thought we'd struggle and it'd take a while for him to learn but He was Obviously ready to transition out of nappies. He's still in them when we go in public but soon he'll be in undies most the time. I'm so proud of him for adjusting so well.

2011: mostly bad, rarely good

Nearly a year ago my best friend Serena and i commented that 2011 has GOT to be better than 2010. I think we jinxed everything and didn't think it was possible but this year sucks even worse than last year Did!

So far my little brother has been killed, my best friends family dealt some horrendous news and now just yesterday my little sister had her son 13wks early. After already having a baby at 21wks and giving birth to a stillborn son this was What she feared most. Giving birth at nearly 27wks. Thankfully There's a good chance bub will survive and grow big and strong!

While the year mostly sucked there has been a couple of good things happen. . . I met Matt and got in contact with my little sister for the first time in her life (nearly 14yrs). But we all know the bad seems to far outweigh the good. . . And i just want a better year for 2012 but won't hold my breath.

moving forward

It's been so long since I've written anything. . . I'm feeling pretty darn slack.

So much is happening, I'm too exhausted to blog let alone scratch myself. I signed up for a speedy 5wk course to get my Certificate II Business. It's the beginning of week 4 and I'm finished! Yay! I have 3 days of work experience ahead of me in the office of family daycare, which I'm pretty excited about. Nervous too but it's bound to get me back into the swing of things so i can get a real job. It feels nice to finally do something for me and better myself just a little bit more. I've even applied for a few awesome jobs, so I'm pretty excited bout trying.

Xavier is now in daycare 3 days a week (through family daycare) and He loves it! I'm sure He doesn't mind getting away from mummy for a bit and playing with all the other kids. His daycare mum is a lovely lady and doesn't cost me an arm and a leg either thankfully.

Kailee's enjoying school, flying along with everything from reading to maths. She has a few junior choir performances coming up which she's excited about. We'll go and watch her sing her little heart out. I even bought her a cute Santa hat to wear which she was impressed with. Gotta love How easily pleased kids are sometimes.

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm stressed. So much to organise in under 6wks. I swear i need to be better organised next year - tho I'm pretty sure i say that every year. Maybe in 2012 it will happen, fingers crossed. Both the kids are getting new bikes so Hopefully that keeps them busy and outta my hair for a while. One can dream right?

I think That's about all That's been happening with us. So until i next time when i get a chance to breathe, I'll call it a night. I'm off to dream about black forest cake pops which I'm gonna attempt tomorrow with kailee. Hopefully i don't mess them up too much.

The things we say

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths some people will go to in order to hurt someone else. The little things people say doesn't bother them, then BAM! and argument arises and it's these little things they bitch and moan about. Why say it doesn't both you if you're only going to use it as ammo in the next screaming match? I just wish people could be honest in the first place, if it's an issue then say so. Don't pretend 99% of the time and then bring it up when you aren't getting your own way.

I'm not perfect - far from it actually. Ask anyone who knows me. I try to do the right thing the majority of the time, i try to keep others happy but it's not always good enough. Just like everyone else, there's times when i fail and i get things wrong. But for goodness sake, don't bring my kids into it. They're young and still learning about life, boundaries, rules and the like. I try my best with them, at least i hope i do, but they too fall short of perfection. Maybe people just know that saying something horrible about them is going to push all the right buttons to get me in a bad mood. It's not something i can just let go of easily.

It's amazing though, the things that are brought up in an argument. That's when the truth seems to really come out. I don't understand the point of beating around the bush the majority of the time, only to lash out about something later on. I don't know there's an issue unless someone tells me, and it's not my fault if i'm not aware of any such issue without having been told prior to some petty disagreement.

For today, i'm over it! I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt or that i'm not angry. I'm going to keep to myself and hopefully stay out of trouble. My fingers are crossed anyway.

Why Did you have to go?

i ask myself why u had to leave us and why God felt it was ur time to go. I'm sure He had a plan in there somewhere i just don't understand it. I would never wish this pain on anyone, i just wish we didn't have to feel it either. You had ur whole life ahead of u, u'd only just begun to see What life had in store for you. I ask myself why u were on that road that nite but can't find any answers. I wish there was something we could say or do to bring u back but i know There's nothing. Life goes on, i just don't want it to. I don't want to continue doing everyday tasks like everything's ok. Nothing's ok. I have my kids to keep me going and people around that want to help but How do i explain How i feel and make them understand? I feel all alone in this mess and don't know How to pull myself back up again. I get so angry at people for not saying the right thing or not doing something to make it all better. Deep down i know There's nothing they can do or say to take away this pain. I'm so scared of losing everyone else around me i feel like a complete nutcase. I can't seem to hold it together anymore. I don't want to get up in the morning, put on a smile n face the big wide world. I want to hide away until it's all over or wake up and realise it was just a bad dream. That's not gonna happen though, it's real. You're gone.

I wonder What life would have been like if you stayed living with me and i told James to take a hike. I know i wouldn't have my son then but i wouldn't have even known He could've been in my future. You could have been still at school, enjoying life, texting ur girlfriend, etc. You'd still be here with us. What if i had've visited more, we could've spent more time together hanging out, chatting. I could have hugged u once more and told u i loved u again. I know it might not have changed anything but i wouldn't feel like a lousy big sister. I was never around and I'm sorry.

I can't go back and change any of that now which just sucks. I don't want to sit here crying every night wishing someone understood why it hurts me so much. I want to be happy for the time we shared together, the memories i have and the life u lived. I don't ever want to forget you or the impression u made in our lives. I listen to the rain and wish we could just sit and talk like we used to. Atm the rain just hasn't let up. Sometimes Its very light other times it's pelting down. Just like my tears. When i keep distracted my tears are always there but not for everyone to see. Other times i just can't get them to stop. I don't want to tell ppl How much it hurts or for them to see me cry. They can't help.

I miss you Douglas and always will. I love you so much it hurts all the more now ur not here with us anymore. i pray ur in a better place and ur happy. I'll never forget ur smile, the love u had for ur family, and ur cheeky attitude. I'm proud to call u my little brother. Thank you for being in my life, even tho it wasn't for long.

To my little brother Jody (currently serving time in jail)

To my little brother Jody,

I'm not sure How to start a letter to you at such a heartbreaking time for our family. I can't begin to imagine How ur coping with all of this in there. My heart is broken and i don't think it can be fixed. I miss you all so much it hurts. The only silver lining in this cloud is that I'll see you all again next week. I just hate that it'll be for our little brother's funeral. I'm thinking of you everyday and praying you have people to support you where you are.

The kids and i are doing okay considering the circumstances. Kailee is full of attitude and backchatting - she's definitely a Richardson. Xavier is nearly 2 and getting into absolutely everything He possibly can. Today He came out covered in nappy rash cream he'd found up in the cupboard after He climbed on his toys to reach. It was hilarious and so cute. Messy though. Kailee's in year 1 and loves school though she tells me everyday she wants to quit school. It's hard being 6 i guess.

Mum, her husband Rob, Kyle and Sarah are all doing okay. They'll be up next week as well (except Rob) to see everyone and say goodbye to Douglas. Kyle still hasn't got married yet, they're holding off until they can afford it. As for me i have an amazing boyfriend - not sure if i was with him last time i wrote to you or not - his name is Matt, He's 24 and we met through a mutual friend in January this year. The kids and i moved in with him 2mths after we got together. He now works away in Brisbane and only comes home every 2nd weekend. It sucks but Its only until the kids and i move down there later this year, around Christmas. The kids love him and He's fantastic with them. I can Honestly see myself marrying him and settling down with at least 1 more child further down the track. The distance between him and i sucks but somehow it makes us stronger. I love him like crazy.

This past week have been so hard. I have trouble sleeping and i can't stop crying. I don't want to believe it's true and just want to see our little brother again one last time. When i found out he'd died i felt so alone, i died inside too that night. I've been pushing everyone away, even Matt and been so angry at people. I hate being so far away from all my Richardson family. I just want to be with everyone and remember all the good times we had with Douglas. A piece of my heart is missing now He's no longer with us.

A bittersweet moment happened on Wednesday night though, our little sister Xena found me on Facebook! I don't know if u recall dad talking about her but she's about 5mths younger than Jarvis. He mum had never told her about us and now she lives with her grandmother. Once it was on the news about Douglas her grandmother recognised the name and seeing dad. She told Xena that was her brother. Understandably she's upset she never got to meet Douglas. She's coming to the funeral and will meet most of her brothers and sisters and most importantly dad. She's so excited to meet dad. She's 13 and lives in Rocky. She looks just like dad Did when he was a teenager. She's a very pretty girl and seems so loving and down to earth. She tells us all she loves us and can't wait to meet everyone. I'm so glad she can be at the funeral with us.

I've ordered 15 balloons for us all to release at the funeral (well immediate family). I got the aboriginal colours red, black and yellow. We'll grab some flowers as well. I thought it would be a nice touch. I'm not sure I'm going to hold it together next week. I'll be an absolute wreck, as I'm sure we all will be. I should try and get some sleep. I'm going to finish this letter here and say Goodnight. I miss u little brother and love u like crazy. I can't wait to see u soon babe. Love always ur big sister xX

R.I.P my little brother

Douglas Wayne Richardson.
A life faded out too quickly. :-(
Friday night i got the worst phone calls from my step-sister, Heidi. My 15yo brother Douglas had been hit by a car and was in a bad way. I was shaken up and prayed so hard for him to be okay. Worried, i raced to my computer to get people praying and hoping for the best. I don't know why but i checked the Queensland police service page and saw a report on the accident. . . I wasn't prepared for this. All it stated was that a young male had been struck by a car and was pronounced dead at the scene. I didn't want it to be true but when do the police ever report something like that when Its not accurate information? Not ever that i know of! Friends and family were telling me he was revived and it was touch and go. He was on the way to the hospital. But didn't the report say He was pronounced dead? Surely they wouldn't pronounce it and then revive him. I called my poppy (one of the most incredible men i know and love) and tried keeping him updated with What i knew. The whole family was unbelievably worried.

I called the hospital, no Douglas Richardson there. They put me through to the police (not a good sign I'm thinking) and the officer i spoke to said due to the nature He couldn't tell me anything over the phone, police were still at the scene of the accident. Now I'm really worried but starting to brace myself for the inevitable. I tried calling my best friend who was sick and in bed, she wasn't answering. Crap! I just wanted to know What was going on. My dad wasn't even going to go to the hospital, thinking it would only be minor. A couple hrs later, the police went around to my step-sister's house and confirmed the worse. Douglas had died.

My step-sister called crying. I knew it was true but with all my heart didn't want it to be. Part of me had accepted it when i first read the police statement that the young male hit had died but prayed it was just human error when being written. Heidi just kept saying she was so sorry. Poor girl was a mess but for now i was holding it together. I had my mum, sister and step-dad here (another absolutely amazing man), i had to tell them.

I called my poppy and gave him the bad news and called my brother who didn't know anything yet (him and i have the same mum, while Douglas and i have the same dad). Everyone was shocked and upset. This is something that always happens to everyone else, not us, not our family. It just didn't seem real. I can't imagine How my family near Douglas was feeling. The pain was hard enough for me.

Later, details of What actually happened emerged. Douglas was riding a push scooter along a road leading from Mount Morgan towards Rockhampton when He was struck by a car. He then went into the path of an oncoming car and was hit again and became trapped under that vehicle. While emergency services fought to free him no one could tell us How He was. It took hours. We may never know How it happened, who was at fault or why Douglas and his 2 friends were along that stretch of road in the first place. All we know is we lost someone close to us.

I felt numb for so long. Finally i was able to get a hold of my best friend and she said she would come stay with me the following day. That's helped keep me distracted, until everyone is asleep of course. Then my mind goes into over drive. So far I've slept about 3hrs for the past 2 nites. I'm a Damn zombie. I've been awake now since around 2am and it's nearing 5.30am. I hate not being able to sleep, i just lay here and cry. Why Did it have to be him? He was too young, a kid full of passion and love for his family. He was amazing in every way even when his rebellious streak was on display.

We'll miss u forever Douglas. One day we'll see Each other again but until then part of my heart is missing. Rest in peace Hunni and know we will always love and think of you.

How?!

How can you keep trusting someone when confronted with something that appears to be awful, but isn't what it seems - or so you're told? How do you keep putting your heart out there hoping it won't be smashed into a million pieces.

I've been hurt by so many different people for various reasons and it's hard for me to trust anyone. I want to believe the best in people, but sometimes circumstances make it hard to do just that. Today i was confronted with a situation where it looked as though someone i really care about has done wrong by me. They say it's nothing like that, and they didn't realise the situation even existed. I want to believe them and push it aside and get on with life - and i'm trying to do just that. I want to believe everything they say and trust them completely but how do i keep from wondering "what if it's really true?". I just wish this didn't happen.

My head is a mess and i hope this doesn't effect how much i trust that person and that things between us will continue to be okay. Time will only tell...

Things to be grateful for. . .

Today these are the things I'm most grateful for:

* being alive. I'm healthy, happy and abundantly blessed to have lived another amazing day;

* an amazing man who chooses to stand beside me in this crazy life. His whole life changed the day He decide to ask me out knowing He was not only getting a girlfriend but a ready-made family with 2 kids. It takes an incredibly strong man to willingly jump into that;

* my 2 beautiful children. As much as they frustrate me, something as little as a letter from kailee or a cuddle from Xavier makes all the stress worth it. They brighten up the darkest of days and keep me fighting when I'm ready to give up;

* peace and quiet. No dogs barking at nothing in particular, keeping me up all night.

* my family. Being able to spend time with them without ulterior motives. We can just chat and hang out without needing anything from Each other. I know they're there Whenever i need them;

* a warm blanket. To keep me warm while i have the fan blowing a gale as i lay in bed.

* coffee cake. Food just doesnt get much better than that!

Those are just a few things i'm grateful for tonight. Tomorrow i'll no doubt be grateful for lots more. I'll post them as a think of them.

Irritating animals

I absolutely love animals. If i could have a zoo of my own i would, as long as someone else helped me feed n clean them of course. One thing that seriously bugs the crap out of me though is animals that don't listen and ruin things. Now don't get me wrong, Matt loves me and more importantly He loves my kids. I love him and love his kids - well his 2 dogs. But i'd love them even more if they didn't dig holes all over the backyard, chew the kids toys/books, bark all night for practically no reason. My dogs aren't perfect either but most the time they listen. I just wish Matt's dogs would listen but I'm not sure they even know What that means. I'm frustrated and just about at my wits end. They're worse than the children. At least the children sleep or play quietly without driving me crazy all day everyday. Grr!

Drained

I feel so drained. Sometimes i feel like i am forever doing things for others and rarely have anyone there when i need it. Don't get me wrong, some people have much bigger issues going on in their life at the moment than i do but i feel like i can't turn to them because my dramas seem so little and unimportant than What they're dealing with. I feel selfish, lost in the crowd and mostly just drained. I hate sitting at home alone while the kids sleep. I love having someone to talk to but lately Its been so quiet and everyone's been busy or doesn't feel like talking. Like my last post though, I'll probably feel better tomorrow but for tonight i feel 'blah'. This is my vent and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, Its just How i feel for the time being. Things will get better and given some time and serious saving, Matt and i will be back in the same town again and then at least one thing will be looking up. I can't wait til the distance between us doesn't exist anymore. This week has been fairly Boring and uneventful, the cramps in my back still haven't gone and Its going on 4 days now, I'm over it. So while sleep beckons I'm going to cuddle up to my pillow and dream of fun, exciting, more positive things. Night blog people xx

My silly little whinge

Now this is prolly gonna sound stupid and i may just regret writing it tomorrow. Sometimes i sit at home in the quiet after the kids have gone to bed and i just feel, lonely. Matt calls me most nites which makes my day totally but i hate that we only talk for 10mins, sometimes 20. I know He hates talking on the phone and He runs outta things to say but Its the only time i really get to talk to him. He's busy with work all day and Its not unusual for me to not hear from him for 11hrs. I won't lie, i hate it. I don't want him texting or calling while He's driving so That's ok. But when He finishes work There's times i feel like He's too busy with everything else to want to talk to me. He's got his friends He's with to talk to and play games online with and people to visit. It's really silly i know, I'm hearing myself and thinking WTF?! I'm like some crazy, emotional, stalker girlfriend. I'm not sad over it I'm just kind of . . . . I don't know. It's hard to pinpoint How i feel tonight. I hate it. Maybe Its just because I'm not feeling so good and wish He was here to give me a hug. I know He's working away to make more money so we can all be together again soon, some days are just harder than others. I'm a little selfish and want to keep him to myself. I don't want him getting bored with me. It's something so little and unimportant i really shouldn't let it bother me. So That's my whinge over, I'm gonna try sleeping and hopefully have a better night than i Did yesterday xx

Schedule me a hysterectomy!

It's times like these that being a woman seriously sucks. As a child i used to pray that i could be a guy, so i wouldn't need to go through things like periods and childbirth. Now i've survived both and crazily enough would happily do the childbirth thing again.... there's a tremendous reward at the end. It's kinda worth it. Now periods are another thing - other than your body screaming out "you're not pregnant"... i really don't see the point. They're evil!! So this is my vent about them - if u don't want to continue reading, here's your chance to escape and run fast. Otherwise brace yourself and ladies, prepare to nod your head in agreement since you know exactly what i mean.

Before i had my kids i used to suffer the worst cramps and pains - so bad i would take a day or 2 off school every month because i just couldn't concentrate or get comfortable. After i had my daughter Kailee, the cramping and pains didn't come back. I was so happy.... Then i had my son and breastfed for 18mths and didn't once get a period that whole time. Until of course he weaned and slowly but surely each month starting with a little more cramping, a little more pain. Then this month *WHAM!* full blown pain. My stomach was hurting so bad i seriously wanted to die. Even to the point that i messaged Matt and told him to shoot me. ;-) It was worth a shot. I was nearly in tears laying on the couch, no matter how i lay there or rolled over the pain was getting worse. I can't remember the last time my stomach hurt so bad or my back cramped - oh wait, maybe labour with Kailee. Today hasn't been as bad, but the sore back and stomach is still there. At this point as much as i'd love more kids, if someone offered me a hysterectomy right now, i'd be in like Flynn (i'd do it!).

Now within a couple of days, it'll all be over and i'll brace myself for next month (oh joy... not!). Surprisingly, Matt was a lot more sympathetic than i thought he would be. No wonder i love that man. As hard as he can be sometimes, when i really need him to say something comforting, he does. I know I can rely on him. Even though he's 250+kms away, he makes me feel a little better.

Babies, babies everywhere!

So I'm finally stepping outta the closet and admitting it - I'm getting a tad bit clucky with all these babies appearing everywhere. I must know at least 10 pregnant friends or family atm, Its crazy! I always said i was happy with my 2 kids and didn't want anymore unless of course i met an amazing guy that didn't have any of his own. Well i met Matt and He definitely fits the amazing category, and He's yet to have his own child/ren. Whilst there's not gonna be any litte Matt's or Jess's running around anytime soon, i can't help but look at these cute newborns and miss my kids being that little. I miss the newborn smell, the soft skin of a tiny baby and the innocence and delicateness of them. Xavier is now approaching the terrible 2s and driving me crazy. Somedays i wish He was back to that baby stage when He was so intrigued by bright colours and just lay there looking around. Now He's getting into everything. He can't sit still or stop eating for two minutes. All these baby clothes and gorgeous baby bellies around, i feel a little envious. A few things i DON'T miss though are the sleepless nights, leaking boobs and the constant dirty nappies. But the good far outweighs the bad. Even if they cost a fortune and stress any normal person out beyond belief. Although more kids for us is still a litte way off our agenda, part of me can't wait while another part wants to wait longer still. I'm looking forward to the day when i finally have my partner by my side to experience it all with me. Matt will make the most fantastic dad when the time comes. He's already great with my 2. He's a natural at this parenting thing.

Random attractive body parts

i got to thinking the other day about different body parts we find attractive in the opposite sex. Some like nice butts, pretty eyes, broad shoulders, feet and even a smile. Whilst i think those things are nice the one body part that definitely seals the deal for me is hands and forearms. I know, it doesn't get much more random than that. I'm attracted to masculine hands, not the soft girly hands some guys have. Its generally the first thing i look at when I'm interested in a guy. Don't get me wrong, I've been out with a 'Mr Girly Hands' before but everything about him was the complete opposite of my 'type' - He was skinny, short and a mamas boy. So anyway when i first met Matt i definitely checked his arms out and fell in love. Ok Maybe not that quickly but seriously He has the sexiest forearms and very masculine hands. Not to mention his gorgeous skin colour. The other day i was watching him drive, one hand on the steering wheel and asked myself How i got so Damn lucky. I'm still in love with those hands, probably even more so now after 6mths. I know I'm pretty random but arms and Hands are what does it for me.

After all this time

I had the best day catching up with some amazing people. I was so excited seeing my fantastic friend from school. I feel like I've missed out on so much in her life. We were inseparable at school and lost touch for 11yrs. Today seeing her wedding photos and How gorgeous she looked i felt a little sad i missed out on all this time as friends. She's still so bubbly and as beautiful as ever. I can't wait til we get a chance to catch up for longer. We also caught up with my mums great friend from just as many years ago and saw her son all grown up into a young man. Boy time flies. It's amazing How much has happened. It was great to remember all the crazy times we had together and laugh more than i think we have in years. Most enjoyable of all was being able to have Matt there with me. After nearly 2wks apart it was so good to see him - so good, words just don't begin to describe it. Even He does think I'm quite simple sometimes, when i finally catch onto something we've been talking bout for hours. Its a good thing He loves me, even at moments like these. I hate that the day is over and Its time to sleep and say goodbye tomorrow. I wish i could stay around these amazing people. Maybe one day soon.

Butterflies

Tomorrow the kids and i are taking a road trip with my mum to catch up with an old friend. I'm hoping to get a chance to see my best friend from like 12yrs ago so I'm pretty darn excited. But i gotta say, even more so i can't wait to see my man again. Its been nearly 2wks and although Thats not long to some, it's the longest we've gone without seeing Each other. I've had butterflies in my stomach since this afternoon when i knew i was going on this roadtrip. It's just like when we first got together and my stomach would seriously be in knots when i knew He was coming to see me. I'm so excited, nervous and happy. I never thought i could miss someone so much. Bring on tomorrow i say, even with the 4am wake up and the freezing cold temp outside at that time of the morning. I better go get my beauty sleep, I'll need it for tomorrow 8-D

kids

It seems like one of "them" days at my house this afternoon. Kailee gets home from school in a very hormonal mood. Seems some of her friends are being mean to her at school and she's in a crying mood with lots of attitude. Life must seem so hard as a 6yo. If Its not the backchatting it's the attitude Whenever she's asked to do something. I dread the whole puberty and teenage years. I remember just How awful i was as a kid, i can only imagine what's in store for me. Xavier isn't much better He likes to get into anything no matter How many times He's told not to or given a smack. He likes to play rough (just like any normal boy) though it usually includes hitting his sister with anything hard like the television remote or his Plastic cricket bat. I'm amazed kailee doesn't have more bruises. It's no wonder I'm counting down the hours and minutes until they go to bed and i get some peace and quiet. It's just a shame all i do is clean or want to go straight to bed. Such is life.

How did I get here?

No, i'm not about to start a "birds and the bees" lesson. Thank heavens, i hear you all saying. At the beginning of this year i thought my life was perfect, i had 2 amazing kids and i was happily single. I really had no desire to meet anyone who would interrupt our little family environment. Any guy who expressed an interest in a relationship was swiftly turned down, i just wasn't ready and didn't want anything more than a friendship. I don't know What changed the day i started talking to Matt though. I'd already told my friend who introduced us that i definitely didn't want a relationship so everyone knew where i stood in my opinion of meeting a potential new boyfriend. The more texts were sent between Matt and i, the more i could subconsciously see my guard coming down, though ever so slowly. I felt surprisingly relaxed about meeting him in person after texting one another for a week or more. I'll never forget the minute i opened the door and saw him standing there. My heart did backflips. His photos i'd seen just didn't do him justice. He was (and still is) HOT!! I remember just looking at him while we Chatted and thinking "this guy is way too amazing to want to be with me". Not only was He sexy but He was down to earth and made me laugh. When He went home i knew it'd never become of anything, i have alot of baggage to bring to a relationship - 2 kids and a scarred heart from being broken more than once. Boy was i surprised when He messaged me right after He left and said He was more than keen for something more between us. I could've died. It seemed the whole idea of wanting to stay single was well and truly thrown out the window. He was all i could think about, screw being single, i wanted to be with him.

Fast forward 6mths and i couldn't be any happier. I have the most incredible man in my life who i love more and more Each day. He's amazing with the kids and they love him to bits. I can't imagine my life without him and while i didn't think i'd meet anyone who'd rock my world, He proved me wrong! I'm forever grateful to that one special friend who took the chance on introducing us even when i was so against the idea. I still need to pinch myself somedays to be sure I'm not living some fantastic dream. Now we have so much to look forward to together. The possibilities are endless, we'll drive Each other crazy and look back one day on these times we struggled to hold it together and smile cuz it all worked out. I hate being apart so much but i know soon enough we'll be back living in the same town. We'll only come away from these tough times and be more in love and stronger than ever. So here's to the days when i can't escape his snoring, and have an extra person to run around after. I can't wait.

My heart

My heart aches for you, for you to be here with me right now. The love i have for you is so strong sometimes i don't know How to handle it. I feel like if i don't tell you enough just How much you mean to me my heart may explode. I would do everything within my being to make you see just How much you mean to me. I can't tell you or show you enough how important you are in my life. Being with you fills this emptiness my life had before i knew you. Now you're not here that emptiness starts to reappear. I don't want it, i only want you. I want to feel safe in your arms and i want us to be a family again. I want you home here with me. I miss you more than you could ever imagine and i love you even more than that!

Winter

It's so cold here lately. Not so cold that i wish it was summer (i prefer winter) but cold enough that u need a blanket when watching tv and having children climbing all over u is a bonus for keeping u warm and not annoying.

I love a cold pillow under my head but hate the freezing sheets as i crawl into bed. Here i have this big bed to keep warm on my lonesome. Plenty of room to spread out which makes it all worthwhile.

At least sleep is easier when it's cooler weather. Speaking of which i better get some. I'll post again soon hopefully

Relationships

I don't have a perfect relationship. Far from it actually. We fight (at least every weekend) and no matter How many times i try to talk to him He's not listening. This relationship is so one sided. Its always me making him food, getting him drinks, washing his clothes etc not once does He do those things for me at home. The other nite we went out and for the whole hour and a half we were waiting for our dinner we walked around doing What He wanted. No matter How many times i said i felt sick and needed to sit outside, He didn't want to. So we kept walking. I didn't want to nag (apparently i already nag too much) so i shut up and soldiered on.

If There's anything i need or want He's always quick to say no. Sometimes i don't know why i bother wanting anything. It's like a starving child in a 3rd world country. Why bother wanting food when ur not getting it anyway.

I just want a relationship where I'm appreciated. I want to be told How much i mean to him, that He thinks I'm beautiful, etc. It's not too much to ask for surely. Obviously though it is for me. I only seem to attract the type of guy who wants to boss me around, treat me like rubbish and still expect me to be here tomorrow. I'm stubborn and keep trying and trying because i love him but one day Its just not going to be enough anymore.

Crazy in love

After chatting to Matt today i realise I'm more in love with him than ever before. I hate that He's not here. It feels like a bit piece of my heart is missing. I never imagined my heart could love this much (besides my kids).

When is it time to stop trying?

When comes the point where you stop trying with friends that just can't be bothered with you? I will be the first to admit that I'm a pretty shocking friend at times, but i do try to make an effort so people don't start to feel pushed aside or forgotten.

Is it better to keep your mouth shut and not bother or do you keep trying over and over and over again? When is enough really enough?

I get told not to cut certain people out of my life because it'll only cause drama but i don't get why some people should know What's happening in my life if they aren't really 'friends' of mine. I don't trust many people these days as they only seem to bitch about others, or pretend to be your friend to gather information or just be a nosey parker.

I kinda figure that even if you've been friends for a long time sometimes people drift apart and the friendship just isn't there anymore. So when do you call an end to it? When do you give up and stop trying?

i hate it

i hate that He's not here. I hate that i can't talk to him on the phone. I hate that i can't feel his arms around me. I hate the lost feeling i get when He's not here. I hate that our weekend together just wasn't long enough. Mostly i hate that it had to end at all.

i'd scream from the rooftop just How much He means to me if it would stop people from being so sceptical about us. He's my world, the only person i want laying beside me Each and every nite for the rest of my life.

that day my friend Lisa messaged me saying she knew a guy that would be perfect for me, i didn't believe it for a second. Nearly 5 months later, i couldn't have been more wrong. My life changed the minute i saw him walk towards me. My heart skipped a beat and i knew there was nothing more i wanted at that moment than him. I can't begin to describe How elated i was when He told me He loved me for the first time. I didn't want to fall in love again but i was already falling. I was falling hard and fast.

i love you Matt. You'll forever hold my heart.

Wanna know how I really feel?

while u were away u were all i could think of. My heart broke not having u here to talk to or hug. We barely spoke at all until our half hour phone call Each nite which half the time ended in us disagreeing. I was so excited all day knowing that tonite i would see u and be able to hug u even if Its just for 2 nites. The only time u seemed happy once u got home was the first few minutes when u gave me a hug and a kiss them u had ur first dig at me about being on the computer as usual. I'm hardly on the computer! Then u had another dig saying kailee's always sick. Cut the poor kid a break. I didn't ask about gladstone so u were sh!tty. No matter What i Did it was wrong and pissed u off. Kailee's having nightmares and u think she's getting them from reading the bible. For goodness sake. I love u more than u could ever comprehend but i can't keep being treated like this. You say u love me but this isn't love. This is hurtful. I'm not claiming to be perfect, I'm sure There's times i hurt u too but it can't be this often. I feel like u didn't want to come home and only Did it cuz u had to. U haven't been happy since u've been back and no matter How much i try nothing changes that. You said i didn't trust u while u were away - my god i have never trusted anyone more than i trust u. I've never gone out of my way so much for someone before. I wonder if u'd even care if i left. I don't think it would bother u either way. There'll always be another girl eventually that will worship the ground u walk on. At least u wouldn't be left to raise someone else's "trophies". It breaks my heart that only yesterday i was telling a friend that ur the one i want to settle down with and one day marry and tonite I've thought leaving. I can't take much more of this. I'm not ur slave I'm not ur mum, I'm ur girlfriend. The love of ur life supposedly.

Computers, pets and a pain-in-the ass boyfriend

It seems like an eternity since i have last posted anything on this blog. For some reason my wordpress app on my mobile has been coming up with some error when i try to connect and it's been driving me absolutely crazy. And when it's not giving me an error, i just can't be bothered typing out something half-intelligent, if i could muster up anything at all. Anyway, after more than 6wks of living in our new place, finally i set up my computer and feel fairly human again. I've been pretty slack and mostly been surfing the net on my mobile, which drives me crazy cuz u can hardly see a thing since it's so tiny.

So, tonight i have been ready to strangle someone and at the same exact moment, just about roll on the floor laughing. I thank God each and every day for my boyfriend Matt who not only drives me around the bend but makes me laugh more than anyone else possibly could. Sometimes it's impossible to be mad with him when i just want to laugh at how much he stirs me for something completely trivial. I'm sure most of the things he does is just to annoy me lol He drops a big bombshell tonight, but with the most upbeat attitude - i wanted to kneecap him so bad. Then he tells me since i didn't vacuum today, he'll be ok to let the dog in (who sheds so much that i'm amazed he still has hair on his body - ok maybe a slight exaggeration lol).... let me just clarify, i DID in fact vacuum this afternoon. So after saying i didn't want the dog inside, he lets the bloody animal in while i'm washing the dinner dishes. OMG this man frustrates me - but i can hear him in the lounge room telling the dog to sit still so i don't make him go outside. (Just imagine him doing this in a baby-ish kind of voice that you would hear a grandmother use when talking to a 3mth old baby...... yep that's how he talks to the dog). I fight the urge to strangle him (Matt, not the poor animal that doesn't understand lol), whilst at the same time fighting the urge to laugh. I don't want Matt to think he's funny - no doubt he'll read this and just nod, like the world has finally realised what he's known all along. *pfft*

Regardless of how much of a ginormous pain in the ass he is, i couldn't be happier. I can't ever remember being this content, happy or loved in any relationship i've been in. No doubt, at the time i thought i was happy and in love - but in the back of my mind, there was always something that was bugging me. I'm pretty sure there's nothing bugging me atm - but wait until another moment when Matt annoys me and i might just find something. No doubt he'll shit me again by the time the night ends. Good thing the bedroom is at the other end of the house to the kitchen - i may just stab him lol. (I'm starting to realise that my blog is getting a tad "violent" with all this talk of kneecapping and stabbing. Rest assured ppl, i will not stab or kneecap Matt........ or will I?) :-P So the man is crazy, an absolutely nutter - but i love him. Why you probably ask... *shrugs* beats me, i just kinda do. Hopefully in 20years i'll still be talking about wanting to beat him with a stick for something stupid he's done or for the old decrepit dog still shedding hair all over the carpet. So, just to give a little back of what i get - i left the vacuum in the middle of the lounge room for Matt to see when he went to watch tv - no doubt when i go out, it'll be left somewhere stupid, like in the middle of the kitchen for me to move. At least it'll be amusing :-D Never a dull moment in this relationship that's for sure.

Well, since my butt is getting numb i should stop feeding this man's ego about how funny he can be (rarely), and go get ready to crawl into my warm bed. I'm sure there'll come another moment of stupidity from this house before too long. Until then....

The end of a season

This month marks the end of a season - my son Xavier is no longer breastfeeding. In the beginning i wasn't sure we would even reach our first milestone of 3mths without supplementing with formula and now we got to 18mths. No formula has ever touched his lips.

As of today, it's been just over 3 days since Xavier's last feed and while i knew we were nearly finished with nursing i wasn't sure i was ready to let it go on Monday, but when He had his last feed on Wednesday i felt at ease. We'd come so far together, my body has provided nourishment for him for this long and now begins a new season with more independence for him.

The opinions of others

Why do we care so much about what other people think? Does their opinion really matter all that much?

Most of my life I've been worried about what other people think of me. Whether I'm doing something they dislike etc but this year i figure screw it! It's about time i start doing what "I" want and not what other people think i should do. I've come to the realisation that some people will always be judgemental and criticise those around them. I've chosen to not let it get to me. This is my life and I'm the one who deals with the consequences should i make a bad decision. I'll learn from it and move on, i always do. I have some amazing supportive friends that are there for me, through the good and the bad decisions in my life, without fail i know i can lean on them if i need to. But it's the negative people that can't help but pick at something your doing, and tell you they think you're crazy or shouldn't be doing it.

At the end of the day, my decisions only really affect myself and my children. And of course whoever else is involved at the time. Don't get me wrong, i'm not about to go out and start making split second decisions, without first giving it some thought. I'm not living that much on the edge, i just figure i'm going to stop worrying about what other people think and say and just do things because I want to and feel its the right thing for me right now. It might all fail and i'll come crashing back down and have to pick myself up, or it could all work out and i'll be glad i did it. Only time will tell :-) Now it's time to think about me, and less about everyone else.

One of them weeks

Have you ever had one of them weeks where nothing goes right, no matter how hard you try? That would be me this week. No matter what I do or how hard I try, everything sucks. Everyone that knows me, knows that I’m not a negative, down in the dumps kind of person… rarely am I ever like this, but there’s been so much crap that’s been piled on me this past week, I’ve crumbled under the pressure. I try to be positive, but that’s not working. Everything keeps going wrong.

Firstly, the drama with my mother and sister. I guess it’d been building for a while and my best friend and her husband have known exactly how much I’d been holding back and been walked over… they were amazed I hadn’t broken before now. Then there’s been money dramas, I’ve got bills coming out of everywhere and considering moving house soon, I’m somehow going to have to find more money to do that. I started burning dinner tonight as I walked away for only a minute – thankfully the smoke alarm didn’t start blaring crazily. I made cupcakes tonight for Kailee’s school lunches and they didn’t even cook completely, I made the icing and put too much milk in it and had to fix that too. Kailee was STILL awake an hour past bedtime, telling me she couldn’t go to sleep – Um, maybe if you didn’t keep coming out of your bed Miss Muffet you would be sleeping lol. Xavier had gotten onto the computer while I was making dinner and pressed goodness knows what and my screen wouldn’t work. Well it was working, but once Windows had loaded, all I could see what a plain black screen unless i was in Safe Mode. After stressing for a while and not wanting to even be near the computer, I did a system restore from safe mode and thankfully my computer is back to normal *phew*. And as I’m typing this, Xavier has woken up and is crying from his bed. For the past few days he’s been sleeping right through the night without waking and crying. *sigh* Poor Matt is sick too at the moment and I feel like there’s nothing I can do to help. I feel useless. He hasn’t been his happy self and I try not to take it personally if he seems annoyed at me for something as trivial as talking while he’s watching TV. I haven’t seen much of him this weekend but hopefully he’s feeling better soon and we’ll get some quality time to spend together. (I <3 u hunni!!)

My amazing best friend, Serena has been worrying about how I’ve been coping, I guess because she can’t be close by. It’s times like these I feel that void that being away from her leaves…. but we’re only a phone call apart. I can tell her anything, everything. I know she worries about some things I unload on her when we talk, and I try to tell her I’m ok, but she doesn’t buy it. She knows when something just isn’t right. She’s been there for the good times in my life and she’s been there to see me crash and burn. Her dedication never fails. She’s the one person I can rely on and know that she’s always going to be there when I need her. I don’t want her to worry, but I know she does it because she cares. So after talking on the phone tonight and having her literally nearly wet herself laughing at how much of an epic fail my cooking was, I’m feeling a little bit better. (Let me just say, I can cook, usually lol For some reason though, tonight no matter what I tried, it sucked.)

So here’s hoping when I finally crawl into bed tonight all the disappointments from this past week will be gone and I’ll wake up with a more positive outlook on a new week One can only hope anyway.

A new look and new name

Since my attitude to pretty much everything has changed over the past few months, i felt my blog needed a new look - and a new name, now "Loved by Three". I even decided to go through all the messing around that goes with getting my own webpage and uploading my blog to it. Now that was a task and a half. While i've known a little about html and css coding, i've certainly learnt a bunch more over the past 2 or 3 days. Here i was (crazily) thinking it would be a piece of cake, and now i have learnt there is ALOT of tweaking involved. I'm mentally exhausted now lol. Google has become my best friend through this whole process and i have surely become more appreciative of those nerdy guys and girls that get paid to create webpages for people and businesses. This stuff is over my head!!

Anyhow, hopefully everyone likes the new look and the new name. I'm off to find fun and exciting things to blog about. xx

I have legs!

I have always known that i have legs, but now i can feel it. Every little move i make hurts. Its been about 2yrs since i last went to the gym so my first session back on Thursday was a killer. I knew I'd feel it afterwards, but oh my goodness, i feel pain in places i didn't remember could hurt. My arms, legs, knees n even chest hurts. No pain no gain right? I swear i don't even feel this sore after 2 nights of zumba. Walking down just a couple of steps is now a horrendous task. I know it'll be good after a couple of weeks at the gym and i won't be feeling nearly as bad as i do now, but at this point i'd like to stay in bed until my muscles stop hurting.

I have such great intentions of going back and working my butt off again on Monday so i really hope my legs are feeling a little less sore. It'll be interesting to see how Xavier copes in the childminding - poor little guy hates being away from him Mummy.

And the childishness continues...

Most people who know me know that i come from a large family, while my mother had 3 kids my dad had 11. So my previous post about family could have meant either of my 5 sisters...i have no need to mention names, or to be spiteful in that manner. I'm trying to be the mature adult here since no one else seems to be at the moment.

My house phone rang at 11.50pm last nite while both the kids and i were sleeping. The answering machine kicked in and the caller (forementioned family member) nastily demanded i call them back. Not at this hour i won't. I text back n said my 2 kids were sleeping and not to call again at this hour. So what does this person do? Calls my mobile. Telling me to take down one of my blogs or I'll be in trouble with the police for defamation. For starters hunni, i didn't once mention ur name and i doubt they'll care about little me's blog. Again, she accuses me of lying, n carries on like a complete bogan even going as far as to threaten to come around and punch me in the face. Yeah, like that's real mature.

It's no wonder i want nothing to do with them and want to protect my kids from being exposed to that. I used to think my family was pretty awesome, now i see its just messed up. I'm above all that crap though and won't let it drag me down. My life is too good at the moment to let a select few ruin it for me.

Family - or lack thereof

fam·i·ly

* any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents, children, uncles, aunts, and cousins

______________________________________

I'm so over my family. Over the years there has been nothing but drama - backstabbing, fighting, bitching, judging, criticising, etc. Last night, I had enough. After confiding in my mother about my sister's extra-curricular activities, she went back and told my sister what I had said - except she put her own spin on what I had actually said. So last night my sister went off the deep end about something I had apparently said to mum, which wasn't true at all. Now if there's one thing I cannot stand my children being exposed to, it's arguments. I do not like anyone yelling, screaming and carrying on in front of them, and usually if I am going to argue with someone, I will take it to another room so they don't have to see or hear all that hostility. This time though, they saw everything. I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't hold back either. I was so angry that what I had said was twisted around, I yelled and I screamed. I was furious! I haven't been this mad in a long time. So I had my sister yelling at me, then mum was yelling at me and it was just going back and forwards - I told them I wanted to leave. Mum could either take me home or I would walk with the kids. Either way, I was leaving. My sister told me that I could walk and the kids would stay there.... Um, I don't think so!

.

So, I made the decision that if they can disrespect me in front of my kids like that, then they have no regard for my children and don't deserve the right to be in our lives. We don't need this crap. For too long I have dealt with being treated like rubbish (don't get me wrong though, I do my fair share of treating other people like crap too), and yet still helping them out with money and being there for everyone. Now I've had enough. I'm sick of being hurt and feeling like I can't rely on my family when it really counts. I'm sick of feeling let down when they say they can help and never follow through on it.

After telling them to stay out of my life and leave me alone, I get nasty text messages from my mother on my mobile. Then I get nasty Facebook messages from her. Then she makes horrible comments on my best friend, Serena's Facebook page. I could ignore all this childishness until she made the comment to Serena.... that was below the belt. It was directed at something so personal, something that was none of anyone's business. I was so mad I had to walk away from the computer, away from my phone, just so that i wouldn't call my mother or send her a message and tell her just what I really thought of her. I went and did some baking, I hung out the washing..... the anger just wouldn't go away. I messaged my mother and told her she was out of line and needed to remove her comment and quickly before Serena's family (and more importantly, Serena's brother) saw it. Unfortunately, he had already read it - but was mature about it and didn't give her the satisfaction of replying. (You're awesome Chris!!)

As my day went on, I got a few more text messages saying how low I am for getting my friends to attack her (WTF!?!) and how nasty I am. I told her to stop texting me. So far I haven't received anymore messages - thank goodness. Now hopefully I can get on with my night. At least I know I can work off some frustration and stress at my Zumba class tonight. I'm so amazed at how childish some people can be.... I'm over playing nice now though. I'm not going to be walked all over or treated like crap anymore.... it's time I stand up for myself and fight back.

I've said it all before, but...

...I seriously have the most amazing boyfriend!! I'm pretty sure when I tell him that though, it has no effect on him.... he's probably like "Did you only just work this out? I've known like, forever." It won't stop me from telling him though. :-P The more I know about him, the more I fall in love. He's so unlike anyone I've ever been out with - he's driven, he's passionate, he's funny, he's outspoken, he's sensitive (but shhh, don't tell anyone!) and he's thoughtful. When I'm having a crappy day, just seeing him makes me feel better. He has helped me realise that some people just aren't worth all the time I give them and I've stopped being such a pushover when it comes to helping people.

He's restored my faith in love and he's teaching me that I can let someone in emotionally without worrying that I'm going to get hurt. He's teaching me that it's okay to ask him for help - I don't have to try to do it all on my own. He's taught me that I should look forward to the future - plan stuff and make it happen, not just live for here and now. He's showed me what it's like to be loved and to be treated right for once. He's showed me what it feels like to be truly happy.

I'm not worried about what the future may hold anymore, I'm eagerly awaiting it. The kids and I couldn't be happier at the moment, and I'm excited to see what could be just around the corner. It's even more exciting to think that this is a journey I don't have to do on my own anymore, I have someone incredible to venture along with me and that's makes it all the more worthwhile. I can see myself settling down and being incredibly happy with Matt and the kids..... but I don't want to jinx anything. So I'm looking toward our future together. At times I still have a wall up around me, out of fear of getting hurt again, but slowly it's coming down, brick by brick. :-)

I love you, Matt <3

Looking back

Last night, while talking on the phone to my best friend, Serena, trying to find a photo from my baby shower when I was pregnant with my son Xavier I came across some photos that seriously need deleting. You know the photos of people you forgot you had, and then happen to stumble across. I had one of these moments tonight when I found a photo of my ex and something along the lines of "WTF was I thinking?!" came out of my mouth. Serena didn't have to say anything, I already knew what she was thinking - this was something she'd already asked herself AND me a couple of years ago. I quickly deleted the 2 shocking photos that were quickly ruining all the other photos of Kailee's 4th birthday party - and have decided that I seriously need to go through all of my photos and delete any and all photos of him that I have, that don't include Kailee.

With the exception of my son, nothing good came out of that time in my life. I was miserable and too weak to admit that I needed to leave, let alone actually walk out. At the time I thought I was in love and happy but looking back, I wasn't happy at all and I don't think I really knew what love was. I was naive and believed things too easily, and soon found myself on my own again with Kailee, and pregnant with Xavier. I was a mess and it took me a while to pick myself back up and start rebuilding my life. Those people close to me had front row seats to the mess that was my life and although they tried to help, it was up to me to fix things for myself. It took time and a lot of it. I didn't know if I could ever trust someone with my heart again.... but looking back now, I can see it all played a part in moulding the person I am now. Although my life is back together, the cracks are still there - but they show character and I'm happy to say, my heart now belongs to someone amazing. But that's another blog again....

Hopefully the end

So my crazy neighbour came over tonight, well she sent her 10yr old brother over to collect her Wii fit board that was at my house. I politely told him (after her just walked into my house without knocking) that if she would like it, she could come pick it up herself. Only moments later, she came through the gate demanding to get her Wii board back, i told her i had no issue with returning it but would like to discuss when she planned on replacing Xavier's Christmas present that her son fell on and broke. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was part of his main present and he absolutely loved it. It was a toy mower that he pushed around outside, it came with his trike and trailer. She told me she was a week behind in her rent so i politely told her that wasnt my issue and since this toy was broken a couple of months ago, maybe she could give me the money to buy a replacement. She told me that they only cost $15 and when i asked if she'd given that to me she again told me she was a week behind in rent. That's seriously not my problem, love. So i grabbed her Wii board and told her not to worry about replacing the mower as i knew at the end of the day, i'm a better person that she ever will be. I just wanted to slap her. She only came to get it then cuz my friend Tony was here i bet and she's still hung up on him and cant just let it go. She's an idiot!

I'll be so glad when i move from here, and get far away from these kinds of people. They're bogans and sad sad people.

Fake friends, no more

One thing that really bothers me is people who pretend to be your friend when they are really only friends with you, in order to gain something for themselves. Last week i went through my Facebook friends list and deleted all the people in my life that 1. I don't talk to enough to share my 'life' with them online; and 2. are only around when they want something from me, but are nowhere to be seen when I need something. I'm a pretty independent person and will rarely ask for help, or anything really. If I can't do something for myself, then I'll swallow my pride and ask for help. It's something I hate doing, so I'll avoid it if I can.

I don't get how some people though are so comfortable in asking for help from everyone around them. Does it just become so much of a habit, that it comes as naturally as breathing? Do they realise how sad and pathetic it makes them look?

A year ago I became friends with this girl who was a lot like me. Single mum with 2 kids, living on her own etc and we got along great, I thought we'd be really good friends as we had much the same experiences in life and the same attitude when it come to drama, experiences etc. That was until she seemed to only ever visit when she needed help with something on the computer, she needed me to print something out for her sister or she needed to use the phone to contact her ex or sort out some centrelink/child support issue. Months and months went by without seeing each other (we only live a few houses down from one another) and she made a comment to me about catching up. I told her that would be nice as I only ever seemed to see her when she needed something like using the phone, net or a babysitter. I don't think she believed me lol. I'd invite her over and wait at home for her to show up, and she wouldn't. So I stopped waiting. I stopped making the effort and not surprisingly, she didn't make an effort either. If we see each other in town we'll stop and do the whole "hi, how are you? how's the kids? what's been happening?" spiel and then go about our own business. If she drives or walks past we'll half-heartedly wave at one another. Nothing sincere, realistically we're not friends. Friends are there for one another.... friendship is like any relationship - it's a 2 way street of give AND take. Not just one of them. I'm not distraught over the friendship lost, there wasn't much there to begin with, and I'm over the whole pretending. I'm over being soft and letting people walk all over me, so now I've cut ties with friendships that have only ever been one way streets. I don't need them.

Probably even worse would have to be my neighbours, I have gone above and beyond to help them out. Struggling single mums as well, I've looked after their kids so they could do shopping, work out stuff with their ex, have a quiet nite to themselves, cooked them dinner when I knew they were short on food, loaned them money, bought them groceries if they needed it before payday and even let them use my washing machine for months, since they didn't have one. And all i got out of it was a big fat nothing. I don't expect anything back for helping people - I like helping!! - but a simple Thank You would be fantastic!! In all honesty, I haven't heard a single "Hello" or "Lets catch up for coffee" like I used to nearly everyday.... now they have their new washing machine, they have no need for me. *shrugs* Oh well, no great loss for me. At least now I don't have the kids coming over (almost daily) asking to borrow something, or to record some show on tv, or to use the net. I'm free and don't feel obliged to help them. If they struggle now, they have one less person to lean on.... because I won't be there next time. My life seems so relaxed now - less drama, less bitching, less stress.

I'm sure I probably still have a few people in my life still that are pushing the limits of our friendship.... and with time they too may find themselves with one less friend. I'm not bothered though, I have my own rubbish to deal with and I don't need half-assed friends dragging me into their dramas. I feel mostly relieved though that I have weaned these kinds of people out of my life though, I should've done it a long time ago.

On the road to skinny-er.

I don't want to look like a stick insect, but i sure would like to look a little less frumpy than i do right now. I still want to have curves, but less flab. I've come to realise there are some saggy bits that i prolly will never get rid of, but i can surely try to make them a little less horrific lol. I feel so much better now i'm getting my butt into gear and doing something. It's been years since i've been to the gym or done anything more than just walking in the afternoons. Hopefully all this effort will pay off and i'll see my chunky bits disappearing :-)

I'm joining the gym in the not too distant future, walking a couple of laps around the park with a friend (approx 3.2km each lap), walking with my other friend in the afternoons and Zumba 2 nights a week. I may just start to like all this exercising..... now to keep it up and get that weight off. I'd idealistically like to lost at least 20kgs (maybe 30 if i can push it), but it's gonna take a shitload of hard work. Now to knuckle down and get it done. *sigh* It's great being able to do it with friends tho, we can push each other and keep each other from slackening off.

For now tho, my body hurts. After doing my first session of Zumba last nite, and another one tonite (but a bit more full on), i'm definitely feeling it. My back, tummy and legs hurt. It's a good pain tho, i know i will appreciate it if the scales tell me i'm losing those kgs. So far i am already 16kgs down from when i was pregnant with Xavier, 8kgs less than my pre-pregnancy (with Xavier) weight, and about 5kgs heavier than my pre-preg weight with Kailee. It's been a couple of years (when i was going to the gym for 12mths) since i got down into the 80-something kilos. So here's hoping to get get back down to that and even get into the 70's. It's a good plan for now anyway. Baby steps tho.... maybe i'll start with losing 5kgs to begin with :-)

Avoiding that self-sabotage

Sometimes i struggle to deal with changes in my life. I'm a little OCD about, well everything. I like to control things around me, and it's quite an adjustment to let someone else take the reigns and be in control. All too often my life seemed to constantly travel down the same roads, over and over again. Let me give you an example. Most of my past relationships have been very 'physical' from the beginning, whether i was with someone overly affectionate (which drove me crazy) or started out based on sex and kind of evolved from there into something more - that over time, crashed and burned. I have the worst track history when it comes to relationships - and that's pretty obvious for everyone to see. I'm usually the one who gets cheated on or left high and dry thinking the relationship was ok, when it really wasn't from the other person's POV (point of view). Maybe i'm just naive or delirious - or maybe both?!

So it's somewhat refreshing to be in a relationship that isn't fast tracked on the road to "lets get it on". I won't lie and say i don't think about it, or sometimes want it, cuz well, i do. But i'm comfortable with the pace things are going at, and being able to spend time with Matt is what makes me happy. Even when we're watching some lame car show (sorry hunni), going out for dinner or spending time with the kids. It's nice having someone who will listen to my crazy stories, someone who will laugh when i recount some crazy things the kids did or said to me, or just having someone to say they love or miss you at the end of a long day. I'm still getting used to this whole relationship thing.... it's hard after 2 years of being on my own having to remember to consider someone else other than just me and the kids. I'm not complaining though, it's nice having Matt around :-) I look forward to the days i see him, and feel gutted when he then tells me he can't come around because he has other stuff to do. I get over it though, eventually lol.

A friend told me the other week that i tend to "self-sabotage" my relationships and have done for as long as he's known me (nearly 12yrs). While i don't think i have self-sabotaged every relationship i've been in, it's probably true for at least some of them. I'll take part responsibility for some of my relationships falling apart, but i do think there was at least 2 relationships i tried my hardest to hang onto and make work - i obviously didn't do something right, or maybe it was just that i was with a knob. I won't take responsibility for being cheated on, when i thought i was doing the best i could at home to keep my man happy at home. It all boils down to the fact that this relationship just wasn't meant to work, and although i was the one with a broken heart at the end of it, it's made me the person i am today. Now i just have to not self-sabotage this relationship i'm in and see where it goes.....

What we're told and what is real

I've never been one to believe what people say about others. I like to make my own judgements based on getting to know someone myself. But it does make you think. What if there's some truth behind what I'm being told? People can change can't they? Maybe the details have been a little exaggerated to sound worse than they really are.

I like to start with a clean slate when getting to know someone but its hard when that slate has a slight tinge to it from where someone has already tried writing the Story for you and even though you've tried to erase what they wrote, the tinge is undeniably still there. It makes you wonder if this tinge Will affect how your Story is evidently written and how it ends.

For now though, I'll continue to trust my gut and make my own judgements of people. At least then I'm giving people the benefit of the doubt. It's the best thing i think.