i ask myself why u had to leave us and why God felt it was ur time to go. I'm sure He had a plan in there somewhere i just don't understand it. I would never wish this pain on anyone, i just wish we didn't have to feel it either. You had ur whole life ahead of u, u'd only just begun to see What life had in store for you. I ask myself why u were on that road that nite but can't find any answers. I wish there was something we could say or do to bring u back but i know There's nothing. Life goes on, i just don't want it to. I don't want to continue doing everyday tasks like everything's ok. Nothing's ok. I have my kids to keep me going and people around that want to help but How do i explain How i feel and make them understand? I feel all alone in this mess and don't know How to pull myself back up again. I get so angry at people for not saying the right thing or not doing something to make it all better. Deep down i know There's nothing they can do or say to take away this pain. I'm so scared of losing everyone else around me i feel like a complete nutcase. I can't seem to hold it together anymore. I don't want to get up in the morning, put on a smile n face the big wide world. I want to hide away until it's all over or wake up and realise it was just a bad dream. That's not gonna happen though, it's real. You're gone.
I wonder What life would have been like if you stayed living with me and i told James to take a hike. I know i wouldn't have my son then but i wouldn't have even known He could've been in my future. You could have been still at school, enjoying life, texting ur girlfriend, etc. You'd still be here with us. What if i had've visited more, we could've spent more time together hanging out, chatting. I could have hugged u once more and told u i loved u again. I know it might not have changed anything but i wouldn't feel like a lousy big sister. I was never around and I'm sorry.
I can't go back and change any of that now which just sucks. I don't want to sit here crying every night wishing someone understood why it hurts me so much. I want to be happy for the time we shared together, the memories i have and the life u lived. I don't ever want to forget you or the impression u made in our lives. I listen to the rain and wish we could just sit and talk like we used to. Atm the rain just hasn't let up. Sometimes Its very light other times it's pelting down. Just like my tears. When i keep distracted my tears are always there but not for everyone to see. Other times i just can't get them to stop. I don't want to tell ppl How much it hurts or for them to see me cry. They can't help.
I miss you Douglas and always will. I love you so much it hurts all the more now ur not here with us anymore. i pray ur in a better place and ur happy. I'll never forget ur smile, the love u had for ur family, and ur cheeky attitude. I'm proud to call u my little brother. Thank you for being in my life, even tho it wasn't for long.
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