Better choices for 2012

It's been so long since I last posted anything I feel kind of lost as to what to write. I'm trying to make some healthier choices for 2012 and need to lose some serious weight. Zumba has started back up again and I've been going Monday and Wednesday nights, sweating my butt off something shocking. No pain no gain (or loss?) right? I gotta say though I feel tonnes better after working out for an hour than I did before I left home. Well maybe except the sore leg and limp I'm so graciously sporting. But I will survive!!

Now the only dilemma is to eat less. Easier said than done though. There's way too much to snack on. I just need to stay focused n dedicated. Disciplined. I can do this and I will. Idealistically my main goal is to lose 21kg and get down to 75kg. (yes, do the math and that makes me 96kg at the moment. Well there abouts).

I seriously should do some before and after shots just to track my progress. I'm lazy though. Maybe tomorrow?

Poor Aileen :-(

Unfortunately, during the night my little sister had to make the decision to turn her son's life support machines off. He had bleeding on his brain and i'm not completely sure of the circumstances, but they made the decision to let him go be with his brother Isaac in heaven.

I cannot imagine the pain and sadness that must be consuming her at the moment, especially having been through this tragedy before. After being able to look at her little boy for 2 days and spend time with him, touching him. I can't beging to fathom having to say goodbye and letting go as a mother. My heart is broken for her and her partner, Anson. This is every parents worst nightmare - especially having to do it not just once, but twice.

I don't know what to do, or say... i know that nothing is going to make it better, or take the pain away for them. I'll try calling her tomorrow just so she knows that she has the support and love around her that she needs, but if she doesnt feel up to talking thats completely understandable. I'm not sure i'd be ready to talk to anyone if i was in her shoes.

I can't believe this has happened again to her. It blows my mind that some ppl recklessly keep having children, knowing the children will have medical issues, or will be born dangerously early.... and fortunately for them, they have wonderful and healthy babies that continue to grow and thrive. The only thing my sister ever wanted was for her son to be okay and for her to not have to go through losing another child.... she'd only told me days ago how scared she was of this happening again. Part of me gets so mad that our family has been through enough this year and to see people in other areas of my life thrive on their own drama.

Over the past 2 years, Aileen has already had to bury her son Isaac; we've lost our little brother Douglas, killed in August this year; our brother Jody is still in jail and now baby Henry has passed away. It's not fair for so much heartache to be dealt to one person. I just want to be there for her, hug her and tell her it's going to be okay. Though it will probably be a long time before any of it feels okay for her.

2011 just plain sucks!!! Other than meeting Matt in January, nothing good has really come from this year and i can't wait for it to be over. Surely it can't get any worse than this?!

R.I.P. Henry John Richardson/Reid
26.11.11 - 28.11.11

Mama's big boy

A week ago i decided to start potty training Xavier and surprisingly He picked it up straight away and hasn't had a single accident. He'll even take his nappy off to wee on the grass lol gotta get him in the big Toilet now! I thought we'd struggle and it'd take a while for him to learn but He was Obviously ready to transition out of nappies. He's still in them when we go in public but soon he'll be in undies most the time. I'm so proud of him for adjusting so well.

2011: mostly bad, rarely good

Nearly a year ago my best friend Serena and i commented that 2011 has GOT to be better than 2010. I think we jinxed everything and didn't think it was possible but this year sucks even worse than last year Did!

So far my little brother has been killed, my best friends family dealt some horrendous news and now just yesterday my little sister had her son 13wks early. After already having a baby at 21wks and giving birth to a stillborn son this was What she feared most. Giving birth at nearly 27wks. Thankfully There's a good chance bub will survive and grow big and strong!

While the year mostly sucked there has been a couple of good things happen. . . I met Matt and got in contact with my little sister for the first time in her life (nearly 14yrs). But we all know the bad seems to far outweigh the good. . . And i just want a better year for 2012 but won't hold my breath.

moving forward

It's been so long since I've written anything. . . I'm feeling pretty darn slack.

So much is happening, I'm too exhausted to blog let alone scratch myself. I signed up for a speedy 5wk course to get my Certificate II Business. It's the beginning of week 4 and I'm finished! Yay! I have 3 days of work experience ahead of me in the office of family daycare, which I'm pretty excited about. Nervous too but it's bound to get me back into the swing of things so i can get a real job. It feels nice to finally do something for me and better myself just a little bit more. I've even applied for a few awesome jobs, so I'm pretty excited bout trying.

Xavier is now in daycare 3 days a week (through family daycare) and He loves it! I'm sure He doesn't mind getting away from mummy for a bit and playing with all the other kids. His daycare mum is a lovely lady and doesn't cost me an arm and a leg either thankfully.

Kailee's enjoying school, flying along with everything from reading to maths. She has a few junior choir performances coming up which she's excited about. We'll go and watch her sing her little heart out. I even bought her a cute Santa hat to wear which she was impressed with. Gotta love How easily pleased kids are sometimes.

Christmas is fast approaching and I'm stressed. So much to organise in under 6wks. I swear i need to be better organised next year - tho I'm pretty sure i say that every year. Maybe in 2012 it will happen, fingers crossed. Both the kids are getting new bikes so Hopefully that keeps them busy and outta my hair for a while. One can dream right?

I think That's about all That's been happening with us. So until i next time when i get a chance to breathe, I'll call it a night. I'm off to dream about black forest cake pops which I'm gonna attempt tomorrow with kailee. Hopefully i don't mess them up too much.

The things we say

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths some people will go to in order to hurt someone else. The little things people say doesn't bother them, then BAM! and argument arises and it's these little things they bitch and moan about. Why say it doesn't both you if you're only going to use it as ammo in the next screaming match? I just wish people could be honest in the first place, if it's an issue then say so. Don't pretend 99% of the time and then bring it up when you aren't getting your own way.

I'm not perfect - far from it actually. Ask anyone who knows me. I try to do the right thing the majority of the time, i try to keep others happy but it's not always good enough. Just like everyone else, there's times when i fail and i get things wrong. But for goodness sake, don't bring my kids into it. They're young and still learning about life, boundaries, rules and the like. I try my best with them, at least i hope i do, but they too fall short of perfection. Maybe people just know that saying something horrible about them is going to push all the right buttons to get me in a bad mood. It's not something i can just let go of easily.

It's amazing though, the things that are brought up in an argument. That's when the truth seems to really come out. I don't understand the point of beating around the bush the majority of the time, only to lash out about something later on. I don't know there's an issue unless someone tells me, and it's not my fault if i'm not aware of any such issue without having been told prior to some petty disagreement.

For today, i'm over it! I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt or that i'm not angry. I'm going to keep to myself and hopefully stay out of trouble. My fingers are crossed anyway.

Why Did you have to go?

i ask myself why u had to leave us and why God felt it was ur time to go. I'm sure He had a plan in there somewhere i just don't understand it. I would never wish this pain on anyone, i just wish we didn't have to feel it either. You had ur whole life ahead of u, u'd only just begun to see What life had in store for you. I ask myself why u were on that road that nite but can't find any answers. I wish there was something we could say or do to bring u back but i know There's nothing. Life goes on, i just don't want it to. I don't want to continue doing everyday tasks like everything's ok. Nothing's ok. I have my kids to keep me going and people around that want to help but How do i explain How i feel and make them understand? I feel all alone in this mess and don't know How to pull myself back up again. I get so angry at people for not saying the right thing or not doing something to make it all better. Deep down i know There's nothing they can do or say to take away this pain. I'm so scared of losing everyone else around me i feel like a complete nutcase. I can't seem to hold it together anymore. I don't want to get up in the morning, put on a smile n face the big wide world. I want to hide away until it's all over or wake up and realise it was just a bad dream. That's not gonna happen though, it's real. You're gone.

I wonder What life would have been like if you stayed living with me and i told James to take a hike. I know i wouldn't have my son then but i wouldn't have even known He could've been in my future. You could have been still at school, enjoying life, texting ur girlfriend, etc. You'd still be here with us. What if i had've visited more, we could've spent more time together hanging out, chatting. I could have hugged u once more and told u i loved u again. I know it might not have changed anything but i wouldn't feel like a lousy big sister. I was never around and I'm sorry.

I can't go back and change any of that now which just sucks. I don't want to sit here crying every night wishing someone understood why it hurts me so much. I want to be happy for the time we shared together, the memories i have and the life u lived. I don't ever want to forget you or the impression u made in our lives. I listen to the rain and wish we could just sit and talk like we used to. Atm the rain just hasn't let up. Sometimes Its very light other times it's pelting down. Just like my tears. When i keep distracted my tears are always there but not for everyone to see. Other times i just can't get them to stop. I don't want to tell ppl How much it hurts or for them to see me cry. They can't help.

I miss you Douglas and always will. I love you so much it hurts all the more now ur not here with us anymore. i pray ur in a better place and ur happy. I'll never forget ur smile, the love u had for ur family, and ur cheeky attitude. I'm proud to call u my little brother. Thank you for being in my life, even tho it wasn't for long.